Cambria Leann

August 5, 2008

2011-11-29T01:11:00.001-07:00

standing around

waiting for what comes next.
cause i sure don't know whats next
but that's life you got to be ready
for anything.
and some how knowing that you can
get through it you push yourself
to what you can be.
loving yourself even when
it seems like nobody else does
that only you have your back
we all have those times in our life
when we would rather not get out of bed.
that laying there curled up in a ball crying your
eyes out is all you can do
you push your self one step further
cause you know you are better than that
that even if the cards you got played
are nothing more than some crappy hand
that you can win with it
because you have that strength
the strength you built over the
long hard years.
you enjoy life and deal with situations
you think you can never bring yourself
up out of.
but there is a sunny side of the situation
you have to push yourself through the
hard pouring rain,, the storm that never seems
to end
and that flood that is built up around you
just waiting to swallow you up if you'll let it
but don't you're stronger than that
you got the sun shining through your smile
and it'll dry that flood up
your laughter brings the rays
and someday
it'll be bright and sunny again
only if you make it that way

.

2011-11-28T22:17:00.001-07:00

11/07/2011: Failure

2011-11-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote this long post on Halloween, the Monday after a terrible weekend. However, I chose not post it. I thought to myself "maybe I'll reread it, edit it, and maybe post it". However for the past week it has sat in my unpublished posts. And then today I decided I wasn't at all going to post it. I wrote it because I felt like I needed to explain what went through my mind, or explain how I could in my mind fail so badly.
But then I realized I am allowed to fail. I am allowed to brake down. I am allowed to feel what I really feel. I don't always have to put on a front, feel bad about not being able to control myself, or even require that I control myself at all times. I just need to do the best I can do, and not expect anything more than I am capable of giving.
Life is too short to be caught up on one failure. Or to let one failure define you.
Sometimes in failure you learn the most, or you teach others the most. I think I needed to fail that weekend, not only to teach myself that I do have limits, and sometimes I can't fulfill everything; but that

T r i a l s are life's lessons.

2011-11-21T20:29:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel as if everything hits me at once.

I remember weeks ago thinking about trials, and how I always come out of them a stronger person. And how I know of people who pray for trials. But I thought to myself, I couldn't do that. I personally don't think I would want to ask for trials... that's just asking for trouble.

However even without asking, I still receive little trials.

And it true Cami trial fashion, there are always multiple trials at once.

This week my phone got taken from my cheer gym by one of my own teammates. It ended up in the road not too far from my gym. Another teammate's mom almost ran it over and brought it back to the gym. However it was ruined, and I was clearly upset. I thought about why someone would do this, I thought who would do it. It hurt to think one of my own teammates would hate me so much that they felt the needs to take my personal property and ruin it. It angers me. A visit to my phone company and $50 later, I was able to get a replacement phone. But oh how I wish I could tell a few people off on my team, or hurt them back. But I know all they want is a reaction out of me, and you better believe I won't give them the one they want.

I'm so over young teenagers, and can't wait to be done with cheering. As much as I love stunting, tumbling, and competing, when things such as this happen I question why I still continue to put myself through all the drama. 7 more months until this chapter of my life that I've loved so much will be over. Although it will hurt, and I'm sure I'll go through a little crisis trying to discover what my life will be like now, I know it's time to walk away.

I'm sick. So sick in fact I took the last two days off of both school and work, and just slept every moment I could. I sat three hours in urgent care yesterday morning to find out I have Bronchitis, Tracheitis, and Laryngitis. I'm tired, and sickly. But actually pretty grateful for being sick. It has given me some much needed sleep and relaxation time. Time I probably won't see again till after Christmas, and then once again in spring break, followed by nothing til summer. Ahh.

I'm not so sure I'll pass all my classes with good grades this semester. I'm actually pretty certain I won't. I'm hoping to at least pass and keep my scholarship. But only time with tell..

Ready For Change

2011-10-23T20:54:00.002-07:00

I've never once struggled in school as much as I am now. It's not so much that I'm not smart, because I know I am. But it more has to do with my professors. This semester I have clashed with every single one of my professors that I have in person. I have to force myself to get up in the morning and go to school, even though I feel like class is a waste of my time. I'm always tired, I'm always worn thin, and I'm always frustrated.

So ready for this semester to be over. So ready for change.

Dating?

2011-10-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight my coach told me she couldn't keep track of the men in my life.

I laughed, and told her there are no men in my life right now.

But I knew what she was talking about.

Within the last year I've sorta, kinda, "hung out" with quiet a few guys.

But to be honest, I never keep them around for long.

Not because I don't want a boyfriend.. because I certainly would like that.

But because they aren't worth my time, and I tend to realize that quiet quickly.

I don't think I will have a boyfriend again, unless I see REAL potential in the guy.

Because quiet frankly, my time, and emotions are better spent on other things..

Like School, Work, Cheer, Friends, Family, and Adoption Advocating.

Life is good.

Christmas 1995

2011-10-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

Today I found a holiday letter my mom wrote about 18 months prior to her death. Here's what she wrote about me..

"Cambria (Cami) is the youngest. She is 2 and will be 3 in January. She is a sweet girl. Always has a smile for everyone. Everyone wants to know if she ever stops smiling. She keeps Mom busy all day while everyone is at school. We all have fun with her."

I loved reading this. I think my Mom won't be surprised that I am the same today. Love her and miss her.

Listening

2011-09-13T10:09:00.001-07:00

Last week I was having a hard week. I felt pulled in every direction.

I listened to a professor, lecture me, tell me how I should be placing school in front of everything else in my life. I wanted to argue to tell him how dare he make generalizations about me, and my life. How dare he think that i don't make school a priority, when I graduated school a year early with honors after facing an unplanned pregnancy. Or how I balanced school, work, and cheer last year and I still had a 4.0. There was so much I wanted to tell him, as he went on and on at me. But I didn't. And that's a lot for me.

For a long time I've been the girl who will argue her point to the end. I haven't let one guy treat me wrong, without me standing up for myself in a long time. I am blunt, I am argumentative, and I speak my mind. A lot! I don't let people disrespect me. It's just not in me.

But lately I've found myself just sitting back and listening. If one person really feels the need to say something to me I just listen. I don't argue, or agree, I just listen. Sometimes it's just worth the fight. They may not know or situation, want know, or could even understand. Let them judge you, let them think what they want, because in the end you know what you am doing.

In the end I know I am doing my best. Even if all I do is get out of bed some days, as long as it's my best, that's all that matters.

Sometimes it just hurts.

2011-08-26T22:21:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wish I was good enough.

Good enough to be respected, good enough to be praised, good enough to feel like someone always has my back, good enough to feel like who I am, what I offer, and my life is good enough.

But often times I feel like who am I, what I offer, my life, my choices, everything about me, is never GOOD enough.

I can never be good enough for some people in my life.

I can never be offered any thing.

I am often expected to do it myself, or on my own, when I watch others be handed everything, or when I see others who are at least offered help.

However, when I ask for help, I am denied. I am treated like what I just asked for was a horrible thing.

It bothers me to live my life like this.

I want positive in my life, but so often I am only given negative.

It hurts.

It hurts to be told that I need to move on with my life.

It hurts to be told that I am supposedly stuck in the same spot as I was 3 years ago.

It hurts be told I need to quit the one activity I love.

It hurts to not even have my dad bother to show up to a cheer competition.

It hurts to not be understood.

It hurts to be struggling, and nobody notice, nobody care.

It hurts for someone to tell you how amazing you are, only then act like you don't exist.

It hurts to watch my best friend leave to college, and wish that there was some way to make him stay.

It hurts not to feel loved, by those who should love me unconditionally.

It hurts to not be supported, by those who should support me nonstop.

It hurts to miss the one person I love so much.

Sometimes it just hurts.

7/15/2011

2011-07-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

I've debated posting this, as I have chosen to continue to cheer for now. But I'm still having a hard time with whether or not it's the right decision for me...

The last week has been hard. As I have been faced with a big decision in my life at this time.

I am no longer sure that participating in cheer will be the path I take next season. And that's hard for me.

As I sat crying with my best friend this week about what decision is right. I was in a lot of ways reminded of the feelings I felt 3 years ago. And I know that if I chose to no longer cheer, that I will experience a loss, and it will be hard.

But there have been a few things I have thought about, and realized this week

1. I will be okay, if I choose to take my life in a different direction. Although I will be loosing something important in my life, I have been through far worse loss, and I can overcome anything that is thrown at me.

2. Whether I choose to end my cheer career this year, or next year eventually it's going to end. And at that time I will be taking off my training wheels in some sense. Cheer was my escape, and a huge reason why I was able to move on and handle placement. But I have also made cheer one of my main focuses, and haven't learned how to fully live since placement. I have used cheer as a way to hold back figuring out how to live my life again.

3. What is meant to be will be. I know the right decision will come. The right decisions always come. Will it be easy? No, not at all! Either decision will have it's on obstacles and struggles for me. But will it be right? Of course.

I just wish I knew what the right answer was.

Breakup

2011-07-17T22:46:00.000-07:00

Started writing 7/27/2010

(July 2008)

I remember this weekend somewhat vividly. My brother, my dad and I went up north for a day. We hiked and I was reminded of how out of shape I had become in just a few months. My relationship with my boyfriend was in shambles and had just ended within the past few days. I was still in shock. Nobody around me knew. I wasn't ready to hear their opinions.. I just wanted to spend the last bit of time with my siblings and my dad and forget about the world. I knew that the next few months would be difficult. And I was scared. I wanted things to be different, I wanted to be in a relationship, I wanted to be able to raise my child as my own, and I wanted the father to be supportive. Yet I let the relationship end. I was the one who had called him out, I was the one who threatened to walk away from the relationship if he didn't grow up, and when he told me he could no longer do this, I was the one who told him "don't do it then". I think a part of me knew that although I wanted our relationship to work, it wasn't right. And although I wanted to parent, that wasn't the right choice for me either. In some ways I think I knew what I needed to do by this time, and I knew it would be easier if I was single, and able to handle the situation alone without the constant thought that I could do it because the father and I were together. That's why I let him walk away. And to be honest I could have done it. But when I tried to imagine how parenting would go, I could never picture it. I tried to imagine many scenarios but yet nothing seemed right. After the break up I tried to imagine how I would parent. How it would be for my child to go back and forth between two parents. How I knew she would suffer going from home to home. How I knew she would suffer being raised by parents who were children themselves. And I knew that it wasn't the right decision for me to parent. It was hard decision to make, and looking back I'm not sure how I was able to do it. But I know that Heavenly Father blessed me, and I was put through situations that allowed my heart to be softened to adoption. For without these situations and experiences I am not sure if I would have. I am grateful for the decision I made to place my little girl for adoption, because she has the life I couldn't have given her at this time in my life. I am grateful that she will always know I love her, and I made this loving decision for her. Because she deserves the best this world has to offer.

Courage to never give up

2011-05-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

"Success is not final.

Failure is not fatal;

It is the Courage to continue that Counts..."

~Winston Churchill

It's easy to frown after a bad practice, where I get hit in the face, my stunts all fall, people are in my way and I miss my next part, I come home with a hurt back, and bruises everywhere.

It's easy to be upset when boys hurt me, when they don't understand me, when they can't accept who I am.

It's easy to be upset when people who were once your friends, no longer make an effort.

It's easy to be upset when life seems tough.

Sometimes the courage to continue on is what constitutes success. Never giving up hope, never backing down, but continuing forward with all your might, all your strength.

It is easy to back down, and give up.

But strength and success rely on you being strong when all is against you.

My baby team of 10 that beat out teams more than double our size this past weekend in Vegas after a girl quit the week of the competition. We pulled together found a replacement, and went on to win 1st and highest point of all levels 3-5. So proud of Dynamics. Success is never giving up, but having the courage to push forward. Quality not quantity.

Fresh; Brand New

2011-05-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

Every time a new birthmom places I ache. I've been there before and I know how it feels.
I want to tell them it'll be ok. That life can and will go on, and you can be happy again.

But I remember driving away after placing my sweet little girl, and bawling. At that moment I didn't feel any hope, I didn't see life at the end of the tunnel. I only felt the ache in my heart, the thought of "how will life continue?". I was fragile, very fragile for a long time. But things change. Maybe it was the 6 months or so later that I didn't feel the need to know everything that was going on in her life. Or that I felt comfortable just talking to them here and there. But things change. One day you wake up and realize that you can move on. Fully? no way. She will always be a part of my life, and the decisions I make. And I never forget. But things get easier. Maybe it's when you get more comfortable in your decision, and in your life after placement. It doesn't hurt anymore. People's comments don't take as big of a slice at your heart. It's different for everyone.

But every time I a new birthmom arises I think of her strength, and know she can accomplish anything in her life. For I know the heartache, the pain, but I also know the strength it takes to place. You can not come out of that unchanged. I am forever changed for the better.

Opposition

2011-04-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." - 2 Nephi 2:11

In my life I feel like every time something good happens I need to be ready, because right behind the rainbow, the storm returns.

Best Friends

2011-03-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the best medicine is a night out with your best friend. Last weekend I spent the night drinking cherry vanilla coke, eating tater tots, and driving around with my best friend. Spending time with him is always the best because it's so low key, and simple.
He's known me since my early teens, and has been there with me through thick and thin. I remember being pregnant and our nights out to sonic to catch up on life. He was always there to lend a listening ear and to show he cared. I remember right after placing Lily he would come over and we would go out. I would ball my eyes out about all the hard things I was facing and he would always be there.
We have gone through rough patches in our friendship, but one thing is always certain, when we need someone the other is always there for them.
When he left for college in the fall I was happy, and sad. Happy for him, but sad because I was going to miss him. I cried on my drive home after saying goodbye. The future scared me, and I was sad that he wasn't going to be just a drive up the road to see when I needed some support. Luckily he's just a phone call or text away.
It still hurts after each visit when it's time to say goodbye. I still miss my best friend. But summer is fast approaching, which means no school, and he's back.
Summer, come fast, I miss my best friend already.

Afraid of Changing

2011-03-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

"Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you" ~Dixie Chicks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sp1fKoMOV74

I know I have another year, but since this year has gone by so fast, I am scared that so will next year. "What's next?", I have asked myself constantly the last few weeks. To be honest I wish I knew..

Balancing; A Part of Life

2011-02-13T23:22:00.000-07:00

For a long time I have felt that there requires a balance in all things.
For a blessing to come, there requires a trial.
As well as after a trial, comes a blessing.
While I don't completely understand why this is, in some ways I am grateful for it.
It reminds me to be thankful of my blessings.
It reminds me to enjoy the happiness.

I believe it is impossible to understand how it feels to place your birth child in to the arms of another family for eternity, unless you have experienced it. Even when you know it's right, it still hurts sometimes.

But lately is has hurt when others have tried to tell me how is should be. Others who have not experienced this, and can not fully comprehend.
It hurts when those who once were supporting me, now seem to be out to put me down.

But along with this trial, comes a blessing. A blessing of being apart of a group of special people. There is a connection between people who fully understand, and have been blessed through adoption, no matter the circumstance. And I am blessed to know, and love people like this who help me through my trials.

My trial maybe others who put me down, but oh how am I richly blessed by the Lord to know so many amazing people.

A reminder that there is always a blessing to be found, if my eyes, and heart are open.

Adoption; A Process

2010-12-22T01:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the world expects me to be over the placement of my birth daughter.

That because I feel like it was/is the best for her, and I know it is right, that it should no longer hurt, that I should just be able to continue on with life like nothing ever occurred.

But this is NOT true.

It will always be apart of my life.

Some days is does hurt.

Some nights I cry.

Sometimes I just can't even make it through the day normally.

I have bad days, I have hard weeks.

And sometimes when it's really hard, the hard week may turn into a hard few weeks.

But it is just part of the process.

And that is okay.

Adoption is NOT an event, or milestone.

You can't just tackle it and get over it.

Instead it is a process, something continually part of your life, apart of who you are.

I never forget the events, the pain, the love, or her.

But most of the time, all of this doesn't consume all of my thoughts.

But when it does consume the majority of my thoughts, I am reminded that I don't ever want to just forget it all.

The the events, the pain, the love, the friendships, and the miracle of her alone, are all apart of who I am.

They have also made me to who I am today.

For that I am grateful.

I am very blessed.

Adoption will always be a huge part of my life.

Somethings like this will never change.

(Picture taken National Adoption Day, November 15, 2008. Placement Day)

Connected

2010-12-10T10:59:00.001-07:00

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet
regardless of time, place, or circumstance.

The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.

--- An ancient Chinese belief

Two

2010-11-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

You are Two and Beautiful

I wonder how your personality will grow

I hear your laugh

I see your bright smile that goes ear to ear

I want the very best for you

You are Two and Beautiful

I pretend you are my little angel

I feel deep love and appreciation for you

I touch your soft hair

I worry about what you will have to experience during your life

I cry when I miss you

You are Two and Beautiful

I understand life is sometimes difficult, but you can get through anything

I say often how much I love you

I dream about you becoming an amazing young woman one day

I try to express how blessed I am to know you

I hope you always know the love I have for you

You are Two and Beautiful

Sharing

2010-11-05T07:56:00.000-07:00

I have found through even the last few days that the more I open my mouth about my adoption experience, so do others.

-Like on Monday, when I was shopping, me and the lady working started talking about adoption. She is an Adoptive Mom. Awesome!

-Or for some reason I started talking about how I was a birth mom in one of my classes. A girl told me later she too is a birth mom. Awesome! We talked for a good 20 minutes after class.

Through this experience we all have a special bond. A bond of friendship, of love, and of mutual respect. When I meet someone else who has been blessed by the miracle of adoption too, I feel a special connection. I feel like they understand, they get me.

Share the adoption love. :)

Long Locks

2010-10-24T21:54:00.000-07:00

As a young child my mother grew my hair long. And I remember her as being the one who cared for it. When the realization of her death came upon me I wouldn't allow anyone to touch my hair. It was my mom's job to take care of it and I wanted her to do it. After a few days my sister took control, washed my hair, and began to brush out all the knots of a 4 year old's hair had that was so long it hit my waist. I cried as she brushed it. And after wards my dad took me and I got it cut off. It was so short that I remember being told I had boy hair in day care and I was so angry. It hurt me and I often wished my mom was there to take care of my long locks. Today I keep my hair long just because it reminds me of when I was a kid and that horrible memory. And maybe in some ways in reminds me of my childhood with my mom.

9/26/10

2010-10-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

As I walked into my old ward today I was reminded of the love that grows there.

How it always draws me back.

How I never want to leave.

I cried just a little bit being in a place that holds so much of me in it.

I felt safe.

It reminded me of how much I've grown.

And how I don't want to go back down the roads I have already traveled.

School holds it's challenges for me.

Mostly social.

I don't feel like I can relate to many of the college kids.

In reality don't want to relate to what they do.
But that's just a part of life.

Sometimes I wish life was as easy as running back to my roots.
My old ward.

72 hour waiting period

2010-09-28T20:33:00.001-07:00

I remember the day before I placed.
I went to get my hair done for pictures the next day.
My dad offered to watch Lily while I went to the salon.
I didn't want to leave her.
I felt like those were going to be two hours I would never get back.
I watched the clock intently while I got my hair done.
I wanted to go home as fast as I could.
My arms wanted to hold that sweet baby girl for as long as I could.
I went home with wet, freshly dyed hair.
I couldn't wait any longer, not even for her to dry my hair.

In one of meetings with my caseworker we talked about the 72 hour waiting period before I could sign.
I could sign temporary foster care over to her parents, spend a few days in a hotel, or go home for the remainder of the time before the 72 hours passed.
There were a lot of reasons why I chose to take her home. But a few that stood out the most are

1. I wanted to spend time with her, in comfortable settings. Hospitals remind me of sickly people; of my mom. Hospitals make me uncomfortable.
2. I couldn't bare the thought of signing papers on two separate occasions. I knew the Lord could help me sign once, but twice sounded unbearable. I knew my limits, and I knew twice would not happen. (even if once was foster care, and once was adoption papers)
3. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. To build up strength to overcome the battle I was facing, the battle I will continue to face. She was my little buddy, she strengthened me when I was pregnant and I felt like I couldn't go on, and she gave me strength to place. The Lord knew how to comfort me, he knew I would find comfort in her.
4. Simply, I needed it for me.

Those few days were some of the best days. Days that reminded me what I needed to do, what I chose to do. The gave me strength to continue on the journey. They comforted me, and allowed me to see that all would be well.

I have grown.

2010-09-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

"you.. just have a lot of baggage."

As these words were said to me, I could feel the pain. It hurt because I knew what he was talking about. He was talking about an experience that has made me who I am, made me a better person. As I look back on this summer of dating, and now ending a relationship I have realized that only that comment could have hurt me so badly. Something I hold so highly was referred to so lowly. It took a shot a who I am today. However now I have the choice to continue to allow it to bring me down, or simply just let go and forgive. I am working on the latter.

"It takes a lot of work to forgive someone who has hurt you"

As a birth mom I know that there will always be people who can't accept it, who judge, or who just can't handle it. They haven't been taught. If nothing else I hope to teach others about the miracle of adoption. How it has made me who I am. That although I have made mistakes in my past, those mistakes don't define who I am today. Because I am a far better person than I was 2 1/2 years ago. I have grown.

Group

2010-09-09T15:58:00.001-07:00

As I sat in birth parent group last night a few things were on my mind.

1. As a birth mom I am different, I can't explain it. But I feel it in the sense that those around me don't see life the same way I do. Going to the bottom, and crawling your way back up from darkness with help from the Lord makes it this way. You learn that through the Lord you can make it through whatever, it may be hard, but in the end you'll see the blessings. I am so very blessed to be a birth mom.

2. It takes a very special person to love, and understand a birth mom. As I said birth moms in general are special people, I would know, I have had the pleasure of friending many in just the past two years. Not every guy will understand a birth mom, just any guy can't be okay with dating a birth mom. But that's okay because birth moms deserve a person who can love them for them, just the way they are.

3. You can't come out this experience unchanged.

My escape each week is birth parent group. I go to learn, I go to love, I go to share, and I go to grow as a person. It keeps me going.

Unconditional Love

2010-07-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

Do you understand my thoughts and fears

Do you see that I'm not as strong as I appear

Life has often hit with with a bat

I have even fallen numerous times hard on the mat

But thorough my experiences I have grown

Learned that I can always come crawling home

Straight down on my knees

I plead to be free

My trials and struggles seem to disappear

Along with all my hidden fears

He lifts me up when I am weak

And reminds me to always be meek

Unconditional love is what he brings

Reminding me life is about the simple little things

Get it out

2010-06-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

I want it out. I want them to know, I feel so hidden and it hurts. Sometimes in life I find that deciding when and where to tell someone about your adoption experience can be difficult. Will they judge? Will they understand who I am better? Will they thing less of me? Or more? Will it matter? Are all questions that race my mind. At a certain point you either have to tell or you are pretty much living a lie. I often find myself running away from the situation because I am scared and I hate the feeling I get that I am lying.
This is a constant struggle as I continue to move on in life and changes occur, I am bound to meet new people.

Sometimes I wish every believed adoption was such a great thing then I wouldn't be so scared to share my story. But then what would I be good for? I am here to educate and inform and I can't do it if everyone already has a testimony of adoption.

Being Raised

2010-06-12T00:07:00.000-07:00

The other day I made a comment about how I don't have a mom. And in some ways that is correct because I do not have a mom here raising me, I was incorrect because I do have a mom who gave birth to me, raised me for four years and is now watching over me. I think sometimes I forget that all though this as has been a constant struggle in my life that I have also been blessed for enduring it. I also feel like I often over look the life lessons I have been taught and the raising my siblings step up and did for me. For it was them who have also had my back from day one.

Daryl taught me to shuffle cards.. or he at least tried to. We hung out and had sleepovers after he moved out. He painted me a picture of the two of us that hangs above my bed.
Ryan took care of me in a lot of way how my mom might have. He picked me up from daycare daily and we would hang out just the two of us before anyone else made it home. He taught me how to care, and how to love.
Kristin taught me how to feel. To allow my emotions to show when needed and that's it's ok to cry and let it all out.
Andy taught me how to ride a bike. He let me hang out with his friends while he had parties when I was just so young. I always felt special and loved.
Katelyn taught me how to push through my trials and that I can conquer anything life throws at me. How to be head strong and never settle.

So maybe I haven't had the opportunity to be "raised" by my mom. But being "raised" by my siblings has taught me things from different personalities and views that I might not have been blessed with otherwise. So while I can be sad, I am choosing to be happy and appreciate the love and guidance my siblings have blessed me with.

Anything is Possible

2010-05-19T08:00:00.001-07:00

"If you hear a voice within you say, "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." -Vincent Van Gogh

Unknown Territory

2010-05-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

"You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you." -Harold B. Lee

Often times in my life I am scared to take the next step, or take a chance. I want to see the ending before the beginning. I want to know all will be fine in the end; that it is worth my time. Life isn't quite like that though. You have to take chances and learn from mistakes. It's having faith that gets you the first few steps into the darkness, after that you must have perseverance. It's easy to give up or run away when life gets scary and you are unsure. But to grow you must continue on the journey. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of all that I have conquered. I mean I can do anything, if I just believe I can.

Friends

2010-03-31T21:45:00.000-07:00

(Buddies, March 2010)

A few weeks ago I saw sweet Lily. As she walked near me I held out my arms and she came to give me a hug. What a sweet moment I have replayed several times since. Looking at this picture from that day I think of how we are friends, and how I love being friends. When I was pregnant I often called her my little buddy. 16 months later she still is my little buddy. Oh how I love visits with her, her lovely siblings, and awesome parents. Open adoption is amazing.

Try Being Me

2010-03-20T00:08:00.002-07:00

Thoughts, emotions, they tear me apart.
People talking like this just hurts my heart.
How could they feel that way?
Why am I judged?
For I am not the best, but neither are those who walk the paths around me.
Pain, hurt, tears.
You have no idea what my life is like, don't try to judge.
Until you have been me, you would have no idea.

Feelings

2010-03-19T00:42:00.001-07:00

"Do you have hope in yourself?"

A question that caught me off guard. I was totally called out on it.

My inability to answer said it all.

Maybe I can't see myself in a good light. Stuck thinking people will only see me for my mistakes. Although I know not all people see me just for my mistakes, sometimes it feels like the mistakes cover up the good I have done. Or that the good will never make up for the mistakes. I know I have done good, my life is good, I am happy, but hope in myself... I think I need to work on that.

Heaven?

2010-03-18T00:51:00.002-07:00

I am four years old and nothing can be harder on me. If I only understand what is going on around me. I know, but in so many ways I don't understand. I keep replaying that conversation in my head. "I don't want you to die Mommy." "I don't want to die either" she says. I spend all my time with her, that's never going to change, I think. But it has changed, she can no longer take care of me. She is sick and she's changing everyday. She is no longer home, she's some where else. A hospice, whatever that is. And I can't stand to be there with the scary nurses, so I spend my time out on the play ground, swinging by myself. She's dead they tell me, but I still don't understand. It's her funeral and I have a question, "So is this heaven Andy?".

Jello Belly

2010-03-17T00:45:00.001-07:00

We are shopping for swim suits in Dillards. "Nothing fits me right, too fat for two pieces and too tall for one pieces" I said. "You just have the jello baby belly, we all get them. You just have to work to get rid of that." "It's true, I know, I just hate it."

Striken

2010-03-16T00:30:00.004-07:00

My freedom was striken
He was controlling me
I tried to tell him
I felt like a prisoner
But he
He wouldn't listen
It was my decision
Not his
But for a long time
It never felt like mine
Till that day
The day it all came to play
For then I no longer felt
Felt as if my freedom was striken
For I was the one that acted

I'm Coming Home

2010-03-15T00:30:00.003-07:00

Over the next few days I will focus on the past. I have set up blog posts each day of journal entries from back a few years ago up to now. I have chosen to share a part of me with you.

I'm coming home, I promise
This really isn't me
I know
I've lost myself somewhere
Somewhere along the road
I miss being happy, I miss being me
My family is waiting,
Waiting for things to change
I'm not sure how I lost myself,
I'm not sure where the road is
But I am wanting to go home
I am feeling so lost,
so sad and lonely
Why have things changed?
Today starts a new beginning
I promise
I'm starting the road home
I just have to find it
I am changing
I am going to be the real me
Don't worry,
I'll be home soon

A Yearning To Be Free

2010-02-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

How to you tell someone you know about your adoption experience?

I have found that when I choose to not tell someone off the bat, it gets harder and harder to tell them. Sometimes I feel like I am living a lie. That I am hiding a big part of who I am.

Deep down it's not that I am embaressed about it, but scared what their reaction will be. Will they say the wrong thing? Will they judge me because I made a mistake and got pregnant? Will they understand my choice? Will I forever be know as the girl who had a baby at fifteen?

I think sometimes we all have our secrets, things we can't find a way to tell someone. As time goes on it gets easier to not tell them; We rationalize it.

Sometimes I wish I saw myself in a better light. That I embraced every opportunity to tell someone about adoption, and how much it has blessed my life. For I just yearn to be free.

Public Speaking

2010-01-31T20:45:00.000-07:00

Someone told me today that I was a good public speaker.
I laugh because public speaking was never my thing.

I used to do anything to get out of it in school, or church.
A few run ins with people judging me sent me to tears.
So I never wanted to do it again.

But speaking about adoption is different.
I still get nervous, and I sometimes loose my words.
I am not ever perfect; I sometimes forget what I was trying to say, or get embaressed.
I some how get the confidence to speak about it though.

At the end of speaking about adoption I feel good.
It's like an emotional cleanse, or that feeling like you know you are supposed to be doing what you just did.
Maybe that's just it.

Getting through

2010-01-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

"The best way out is always through" -Robert Frost

Things will ease up soon, I keep telling myself. I can make it through.

Many Dreams

2010-01-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

I have dreams of

landing my back-hand-spring,

meeting the perfect guy,

loosing myself head over heels,

graduating,

having my own children,

helping others,

teaching others about adoption,

growing up,

understanding life,

making it to heaven,

enjoying life,

cheering my heart out,

making a difference,

and trusting people.

My life consists of many dreams and if I apply myself I can accomplish all that I have set out to do.

Moment of weakness

2009-12-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

As a sat in a class today the teacher talked about a subject that I cringe about each time it is brought up. I sat there as he went on for five minutes not sure if everyone was staring at me or if I just felt bad about myself. Either way I didn't feel happy. I tried to block him talking out, as I hoped I could continue on my day without feeling like the whole world was staring at me. But in reality that was impossible. I listened, I stared him in the eyes, and I thought about the events of the last two years. I then stared down at my desk still unsure if people were staring at me, but I was sure my name was popping through their heads. Class ended and I slowly walked out in a gaze. A kid stopped me, gave me a big hug, and asked how I was doing. I felt like he knew how I was feeling and offered up friendship when nobody else would. It was just what I needed in a moment of weakness whether he knew it or not.

12/12/09

2009-12-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

"The original, the only Valley Cheer Dynamics"

Emotions

2009-12-04T20:34:00.001-07:00

Recipe to hurt a Birthmom

Take one birthmom
And a room full of people
Let them ask questions like "why would you do that?"
Or tell her that she is better off
Until you can see the pain in her eyes
Then place the birthmom all alone
Watch as her emotions chop her up
Bake this situation up for a few minutes on an already emotionally hard day
Until you hear her cry
Then you know you have accomplished the task
Let stand alone for 10 minutes
Tastes completely horrible
Can work on nearly every birthmom.

Understanding

2009-12-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

I don't understand

why dating is difficult

why love can end

why people can be so silly

But most of all

why people can not see the pain

why change is so hard

why I can't tumble

why I am so different

What I understand most is

why I am happy

why change is needed

what love is

Journey

2009-12-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

A journey lies ahead

Where I am going I am not quite sure

The world around me is constantly changing

Sometimes I feel really scared

I ask myself "what now?"

My sister reassures me that I can do anything

Sometimes it feels like I am falling

Life is passing by me

I can never accomplish my goals

Things aren't going quite right

Then I open my eyes

This journey is a great ride

Sweet friends

2009-11-25T22:55:00.001-07:00

"Cling to what is right and you will always find joy."

I reread this letter today from a sweet friend. It reminded me that I am loved and that people are watching me.

Sometimes I feel like I am here or there but nobody seems to notice me, especially at church. My old ward watched me grow; they watched me change. Many of them know me simply by observance. But yet through that observance they learned who I am. I have numerous friends there. Friends I so dearly miss.

One of these special friends wrote me a letter almost a year ago. Much in my life at that time had changed or was changing. Things were so different from what I was used to and the road ahead was a steep one. Her words were heartfelt and brought me to tears.

Today rereading them brings me to tears, and reminds me of the moments and events of last year. How grateful I am for friends like her. For the friendship many people have given me. I feel truly loved.

My favorite quote from the letter is, "Cling to what is right and you will always find joy". It's a nice reminder where I can find happiness. And I find hope in the future because of it .

She wrote fighting

2009-11-25T22:20:00.001-07:00

Writing a Story

Once upon a time
A girl had to write a story that rhymed
She didn’t really want to write
Instead she wanted to go night-night

After deciding that writing would be wise
She went through story ideas from dates to buying her dad a tie
But none of that was moving
She needed something worth choosing

After much thought she was still lost
She knew if she didn’t do it, it would cost
She still needed a theme
Then finally her mind beamed!

She wrote on her life
And how she had to fight
She wrote on writing
She wrote fighting

I see a face at the window…

2009-11-25T22:17:00.001-07:00

I see a face at the window…

I see a face at the window

It is looking right at me

I stare in its eyes

I can’t help but cry

This man has done so much for me

But yet I keep on running

I just want my rebellious soul to calm

But it seems like this path is never ending

I hope he knows I am thankful

I hope he knows I try

Today I hope while looking right at me

That he can see past my crying eyes

Today is just the beginning…

2009-11-25T22:16:00.001-07:00

Today is just the beginning…

Today is just the beginning I thought as she was born

I knew the road ahead was far reaching and hard

I chose that road anyway not for my own sake but hers

I held her and was silent

There wasn’t much to say

I called her parents

I let them know today was the day

I can hardly imagine the wait they endured

The pain they must have felt

To have this little angel was a simple answer to their prayers

I then kissed my little sweetheart

I let her know how much I loved her

I placed her in their care

She was off to see her family

Oh how much I can see

The love they have for this little angel

This girl that is part of their forever family

Halloween

2009-11-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

This turned out to be the best pumpkin I have ever carved. It took a long time to carve but I knew what I wanted, a flower patch. In the middle flower is a sunflower and it took the most time because of all the detail. This pumpkin was so perfect in size and it was a beauty. I loved it! I stopped by and saw the kids in their costumes. They looked great! ( I love how Bella is the only one looking at the camera!)

Thanks for the awesome pumpkin to carve! You know who you are.

Induction Day

2009-11-10T21:40:00.004-07:00

(Induction day 11/10/08)

This day one year ago was induction day.
Let's just say I was not happy at all.
I had picked my hospital and wanted her to come on her own. But after her due date came and passed, my doctor brought up the word induction. He said he'll go check availability and come back in a moment. That I could deal with because I still would get to have the last call right? Wrong. He came in with a paper and my scheduled induction time at a different hospital. I left and cried. I cried because it was a different hospital, I cried because I knew this would be the start and I wasn't sure if I was ready.
My induction day I woke and curled my hair. Went to work with my dad and worked on online school. The lovely ladies that work with my dad made sure I had all of their numbers, just in case. My friends picked me up and we went driving around. We visited my favorite teacher, and as I left I whispered tonight I go to the hospital. She told me it would be fine, and she hugged me. I went home, and ate dinner. Called the hospital and instead of coming in at 8 pm, it would be 10. So I had time to hang out, and take a shower. And take pictures. I was huge! We left for the hospital and I drove the car. We arrived and waited in the lobby. They took me back to my room eventually. They started asking questions to put in the computer. The lady bothered me because she didn't trust me. She asked questions and congratulated me on going to the doctor the whole pregnancy. Which I thought was rude. When finally we were done with tons of questions like "did you take care of yourself while pregnant?" it was around midnight. She gave me two pills and told me to get some rest that tommorrow would be a big day. I knew it would be, and the events of the next few days would be. I was restless all night... I knew tommorrow would be a journey.

Birthmother Baskets

2009-11-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

I came apon this blog and thought the idea was so awesome!
Click the link to learn how you can support new birthmothers.

November is National Adoption Month.

Missing

2009-10-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

This week more than ever I miss Mesa.
My silly colored walls. Pink, purple, and turquoise.
My tile floor, cold, but cute design.
My pool where i swam mornings last summer while I was pregnant, went swimming with friends, and was pushed into on a birthday.
My friends who make me feel good about life.
My life.
Everything I grew so accustomed to.
I miss Lazona ward.

Life seems to pass me by quickly.

Things change.

2 weeks ago we had the primary program in our ward.
I remember looking at all the kids trying to figure out just one of their names.
I got nothing.
It hit me, I barely know anyone.
It hurt.
It hurts knowing they know nothing about me, and not knowing how to open up.

Missing it won't bring it back.
But don't think I have forgotten you.
You are the ones pushing me forward.
Thank you.

Friendship.

2009-09-30T21:23:00.008-07:00

I called my sister tonight.
I cried my eyes out, told her all my problems, and how I didn't want to keep going.
She cried with me.
A real friend.

Real friendship lies within those who always have been there,
Supports you when nobody else seems to,
And are there to listen.

I just wanted to thank all of my friends for all they do.

I love you.

Sweet Baby Face.

2009-09-27T16:28:00.006-07:00

Kisses for you.
I love you to eternity and back.

It's strange thinking how the year mark is coming up so quickly.
How big you are.
How independent you are.
How scrumptious you are.
You are a beautiful daughter of god.

"I love to see the temple"

2009-09-17T15:57:00.004-07:00

The last two weeks have been extremely hard in cheer.
As I have fought with my emotions.
I want this but it doesn't seem in sight.
I felt like I deserved this, but didn't receive it.

Last week I fought back tears, as I watched the one spot I really wanted be handed to someone else.
Since then I have fought with myself, and my desires to move forward.
I have since struggled with the dance, keeping up, and even having desires to do it.

On Monday during seminary my teacher challenged us to sing a primary song, or recite a scripture when we had bad thoughts or thoughts that brought us down.

I found myself singing "I love to see the temple" on Monday during practice when I got frustrated. And it helped me to concentrate and get further along.

I chose this song because of the meaning it has to me.

I have found myself a few times whisper it to Lily.

It reminds me of the eternal family Lily has. Of the struggles I have been through, and the choices I have made. Of the promises I have made to push forward through anything, because I know it is possible.
One day I want an eternal family.
I desire happiness, and without trying I only doom myself to fail.
Today I think of the last year and a half.
Thank my heavenly father.
And promise to keep pushing forward.
It can get better.

Adoption and Abortion

2009-09-07T10:11:00.003-07:00

I know I have shared the link to this video before but I feel like it is needed to be shared itself on my page.
It means that much to me. And this girl is a dear friend of mine. Thank you for sharing.

Pure Joy

2009-08-31T16:46:00.006-07:00

I love you.

08/30/09

2009-08-30T19:17:00.005-07:00

If you didn't notice.. there is a new quote at the top of my page..
"When happiness seems to be nowhere around, remember.. it's waiting to be found"

This quote was given to me by my English teacher.
It's a reminder that there is always happiness in our lives.
Sometimes we cover up that happiness with everything bad, or wrong going on in our lives.

Why is it that we are so easily able to name off everything bad in our lives?
But we have to ponder to remember the good.

I challenge you to think about all the good in your life.
Make a list, or whatever. Ponder it.
Maybe just in doing so you'll actually realise there is happiness in a lot of things.

Future is bright.

2009-08-20T22:04:00.002-07:00

Each day is a new step, to where I want to be, what I want, who I want to be.
Some steps are harder than others.
Sometimes letting go of the past can be hard.
I am not the same girl I was last year, last week, or yesterday.
Each day is filled with it's own struggles.
Like today, and the will to push forward..

Awhile back someone asked me a profound question, it went a little something like this...
"It seems like you were dealt a lot of bad cards, you have gone through many things others will never have to.. do you ever ask why me?"

My answer was something I always believe..
we are dealt our trials, and struggles, mine are just different.. there were different things I needed to go through.. everyone is different, so wouldn't their trials be different too?...

I sure have gone through many things, but their are blessing in opposition.
I am thankful for my blessings.

Hope.

2009-08-02T19:01:00.003-07:00

"we must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope"

Sometimes I just got to remember that even with bad things that go on, I can still have hope.

This week has been a trial of my faith. A trial of if I will persevere or give up. Many times I just wanted to give up, leave it all behind me. But I didn't and I was blessed for it.

Sometimes we just got to remember that sometimes..

Boys can mean.
There is more homework then time to do it.
Friends and family can disappoint you.
Death occurs to all.
and stress happens to all

But;

Friends can step up.
Family can help you.
There are some boys who can make your day always
After death there is something better
Making time for things that relieve you makes for less stress

P.S. This next weekend I am speaking at the FSA conference in Arizona. You should come. I can't promise I'll be a great speaker, but hey there are going to be some awesome people to listen to and it'll be a fun day.
fsamesa.wordpress.com
http://fsamesa.eventbrite.com/

And I am more nervous than you would ever know, but I have hope I'll do well.

12 months

2009-07-18T08:24:00.005-07:00

"when someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive ...and you will be free again."
Lately I have pondering the forgiving of a few people in my life that have hurt me very much. I am unsure about what to do, if I am even ready to forgive them.

On another note:

This month marks a year since I began the journey of adoption, when I made the first few steps.. serving the birth father, and searching for a family..
I searched back and forth. Arizona, California, and neighboring states. In all sizes of families, and with all different hobbies. I watched as faces seemed to pass me. Through many lists of possibles, I feel like there was one that drew me in. I finally decided to email three, because I want to ensure myself. I got three emails back a few days later. One I read fully, the other two didn't draw me in. I can't even remember what they said, but they didn't make me glow, like the other one did. I ended up sending one email back that day, and only emailing this family. Emailing this family became addicting. Every day many times a day I would check my email, have they emailed me back?, what are we going to talk about next?, this family is so amazing and nice! I believe I was lead to them.

I believe all things were made to be a certain way as long as you listen. And I have watched many familiar faces receive their answers to their prayers by the one who was guided to them.

3 weeks left

2009-07-16T18:00:00.002-07:00

The last week and a half has been a big blur..
I am in and out of class all day long.
I feel like all I do is EAT SLEEP MATH,funny thing is that the program made shirts that say this.
I am writing this on a qucik break between taking a final for my online class, and going to chee practice that I have missed despertley! I was super sad I couldn't go last week.
But I am alive and moving, and have made it through almost 2 weeks! 3 more to go!

Main things on my mind when I am not doing 10 hours of math include,

College? -Where am I going to go.. what am I going to do?
Lily's amazing family! -I can't believe she's fully crawling! I hope the farm is well!
My family- this week I have called my Dad a few time just because I want to talk..
New found friendships
Dreams- Why do I keep waking up in the middle of them?,, I feel bad for everyone who keeps telling me they are dreaming math..
Stinky - I miss my baby
Cheer - I am super sad I missed last week so glad I'm going tonight
Group- I miss all the girls!
Kendal- I feel like I haven't seen her in month

As well as others.

3 weeks and one day.. I can't believe I'm counting down...

It'll be a busy day, but a great one.

2009-07-05T09:46:00.005-07:00

(Part of my family in 2006)

As I speak I should be packing for ASU.. unsure about the road that lays ahead. It's kind of like the first day of school (read about my first day back at school here), but some how totally different. I am excited, just a procrastinator.. Thanks Dad!

As I currently sit here, I am waiting for the day. It shall be a special day, I can not wait!..

What is so special, you may ask? Lily is getting blessed. Sweet, Sweet Lily.

Day off.

2009-06-28T22:40:00.002-07:00

What do you do on your day off?

Drive to your old young women's leader and surprise her.

Spend hours talking, and even prank call a boy!

Make delicious cupcakes. Chocolate, chocolate moose inside, with chocolate frosting.

Eat a delicious sandwich with homegrown tomatoes from her back yard.

What a day. =)

P.S.
I miss Lazona ward.

Growing up

2009-06-28T22:36:00.003-07:00

Little essay for school

Growing up

“You’re ready to go, I am going to call the doctor,” said my caring nurse. “She’ll be here in no time and if you have any questions feel free to ask,” was the kind words she spoke to me. As time was going by waiting for my doctor to arrive, my thoughts raced back to the events of the last year and what landed me in this position. I had gotten my life together, and making bad decisions wasn’t in my mind set. But poor choices landed me pregnant, alone, and with choices to make. But those thoughts didn’t interest me all too much. I was really interested in meeting my sweet angel, and spending time with her before she was placed for adoption.
The room is nineties themed, lights are dimmed, and spot lights ready to welcome the little angel in. The doctor walks in unprepared, uncertain this was the time, only to find it was sure time for her to come. After a quick change, the doctor walks in ready, dressed in green with booties. With my sisters on each side, we welcomed in to the world a little baby girl. “Congratulations you did it,” said the doctor.
They laid her in my arms, and my heart just melted. The scared, crying girl, with eyes of uncertainty stared straight into mine. “Baby, it’s going to be ok,” was all I could mutter out. I was also too full of uncertainty. But along with that uncertainty, I felt an overwhelming feeling of love towards this little girl, more than I would ever explain. I was full of warmth, and felt a glowing sensation. They cleaned her up, and my sisters held her, loving her, and discovering all the little things about her. She had a head full of black hair that stuck straight up. Her eyes were full of uncertainty, and were most likely going to be blue. I called Brianne and told her all about her. Brianne was to adopt this sweet little girl with her husband Trevor. They were amazing, and wanted to know how I was. They were so caring that night on the phone, and I invited them to visit me the next day. Armed the next day with their three other children they came to visit. They went out of their way and brought me gifts. I was so excited to see them, and it prepared me for the events of the next few days.
The next few days seemed to fly by. I held that little girl close and knew that these few days would be me as her mother. It was hard, knowing what was going to come. I was scared, uncertain, but still I had my eyes set on the prize. My friends visited her, met her, fell in love with her. My family enjoyed their time with her, loving every moment. That last night I held her close all night. She slept on chest, peacefully, which made what was about to occur so much easier.
The next afternoon, we drove up to the agency. I was nervous, scared, happy, and at a loss all at the same time. I was uncertain how it would be when I walked out, and I knew I would walk back to that car, and a car seat would be empty, but another full. I signed the papers, crying, and holding the sweet little angel. After walking her to her car, buckling her up, kissing her, and hugging Trevor and Brianne, it was time to leave. I walked to the car crying, got in and held my sisters hands. I knew this was right, I had the feeling of certainty, and knew all would be well. I had just done the hardest, best thing in my entire life.

2 Amazing Dads.

2009-06-21T21:21:00.004-07:00

These are two of the greatest guys I seriously know.

One being my dad. Who supports me, loves me and forgives me through all. I should know this is an amazing gift because I can be pretty rebellious and crazy sometimes. He supported me and my decision of placing Lily. He is one of my best friends.

The other being Lily's daddy. What an amazing guy he is. I love watching him around his family. You can see how much he truly loves, and cares for them. It makes me smile.

P.S. I love these pictures. One being I loved that day where I got pictures done courtesy of lilyp, with Trevor and Brianne, and this is my favorite of Trevor and Lily.
And the one with my dad, well he just looks so happy I love it!

Peaceful feelings

2009-06-17T20:41:00.008-07:00

Visiting a fellow Momma tonight at the hospital brought me back to the time I spent at the hospital.
It brought me such a peaceful, happy feeling.
Life what an amazing thing.
To love, to give, to share.
I commend those around me, those I visit each week, and those who support.
I commend the parents, through tough battles have to make a decision to grow their families in another way.
Each week I am spiritually uplifted, peaceful, and happy all from some amazing women.

I love thinking about Lily's birth.

I remember looking at that beautiful face for the first time not knowing what to say. She was scared, and her eyes were locked on mine. "Baby it's going to be ok."

And sure enough it has better than just ok.

I'm back.

2009-06-16T09:46:00.006-07:00

(Kendal and I)

I watch my life unfold, never know what is going to happen next.
It's the thrill, the uncertainty, the excitement.
I sometimes am curious why this is happening,
why is this that.
I look at the events of the last 2 months and think wow I made it.
There have been bad, but also good to come of it.
With losses of good friendships, and a feeling that all is falling apart something comes only to save you.
I have gained a new friend, and although the future is still uncertain, I am happy and ready for what comes next.
I'm back!

19 days till I check in for my honors program.

Wishing

2009-06-08T00:35:00.003-07:00

Wishing for a weekend away.
A weekend of peaceful tranquility.

O how I love sunflowers.

A little update

2009-05-21T15:42:00.004-07:00

Lily's adoption was finalized last week, along with her sealing on saturday to her loving family. I can't even go on to explain how much I love Lily's family. How they have opened their arms to me, and how they have been my friends when I don't know who to turn to. They amaze me.

School ended and I start work at Big surf.

I got into the program at ASU this summer. July 5 - August 7

We moved in into Gilbert. I have have been driving way more back and forth, here and there more then anybody should ever have to.

And I have turned to myself for a lot of things. I have found myself enjoying the drives by myself just to have some time to reflect. I have enjoyed that special time to just gather my thoughts and put myself in a good place. I have enjoyed listening to a little bit of slow, softer music, and found myself smiling.

Although there seems to be so much going on around me, I have found that time to myself keeps me calm, and I can continue carrying on.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T20:09:00.002-07:00

To Brianne. You deserve the honor today. I love you more than words could ever explain. And today laying in my bed I thought about you, and how much I hoped you were having an amazing day. Thank you for being Lily's mommy.

Happy,

2009-05-09T09:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Birth Mother's Day ladies.
Celebrate it, enjoy it, today is your day.
I love you all.
And you mean more than anything.

Honor Birth Mothers you know today.

Believing?

2009-05-05T21:16:00.003-07:00

I walked through the motions of the last week.
Not sure if I could even handle it.
A few times I couldn't.
I had to take a drive to the store.
Stop my projects that I really want to finish.
Or drive away from where I wanted to be, just so I didn't have to see another.
I have drank Oreo shakes from Chee Burger. Eaten Ice cream cones.
And I have busied myself in other things.
But I know some how it's all going to become real.
Whether it's today or in a few days. It'll become real.
Knowing I can handle it is one thing.
But believing is another and right now, I am not sure I believe.

I can't believe it.

2009-04-29T22:33:00.002-07:00

I look back over the last year and think wow.
How did I survive?
Some days I feel like I am barely surviving.

Cheer has ended for the season.
Undefeated in AZ.
With two national titles.
I don't think we could have asked for a better season, after all the ups and downs my team has had. (people quitting at the beginning of the season, fire at the gym, stolen stereo system.. etc..)We pulled it together.

This next year will mark change in my life.
New gym for cheer.
New home.
License.
and so much more.

If only I can keep my head off the ground, I will come to find out there is good that comes of all situations.

Friday = Wedding
Next weekend = Moving

Eyes opening

2009-04-24T20:28:00.002-07:00

Today a friend told me really how much she cared.
She was there when I bawled my eyes out night after night last semester
She was there to make me laugh, and pull me up when I didn't feel like doing anything
When I would get calls, and voice mails that made me feel so low, so guilty, so sad.
She was always there.
Last semester was so hard for me.
I didn't feel like I had a life, and mostly I just wanted to stay in bed and bawl my eyes out
I was sad, I was hurt, and friend wise I felt alone.
She was there to take me out for a drive
Listen to me complain about the things that were bring me down
Listen to me talk about Lily's family for the longest time
She was there the first day I went back to school
Sometimes I forget how much others care about me.
I feel soo alone, so depressed.
But maybe I just need to open up my eyes..

Openness and Milestones

2009-04-14T15:36:00.001-07:00

aabm #4: openness and milestones

Mommy.

2009-04-08T15:59:00.003-07:00

So I got a request about the story of my Mom, and technically that's actually something I have been thinking about sharing, just haven't found the right words.

A bracelet I bought a school to benefit Relay For life.

When I was about three my Mom found out she had Melanoma.
I don't remember much about that day they told us Mom was sick, I was young, everyone was upset and I just wanted to sleep with my mom and dad that night. However I was even more upset when I couldn't.
She went through Chemotherapy, lost her hair, and wore a wig.
She was so small a petite anyways, she just looked real small.
She had seizures in the middle of the night.
I distinctly remember hospital visits, where I would hide from nurse because they scared me.
She was a stay at home mom and took care of me during the day. But when she got too bad, I spent days with this lady from the church or that one. They always tried to make me feel at home making me peanut butter sandwiches because I didn't like peanut butter and jelly, or letting me borrow fun toys I liked.
Once I remember my mom being home along and we brought her food for lunch; She had already made lunch but had burned herself doing so.
I spent one day crying telling her how I didn't want to die. She told me she didn't want to die either. She wiped away my tears, and made me laugh telling me my tears tasted salty.
We went to Disneyland where I was bummed because I wasn't tall enough to ride Indiana Jones. We drove around LA while my dad showed us where he served a mission. About a week long vacation that became our last.
She continuously got worse. There was nothing they could do anymore. And after numerous nights where my father couldn't sleep because he stayed up watching her making sure she wasn't having a seizure that she was ok. When she could no longer stay at home, she went to the Hospice.
How much I disliked that place.
I spent most of our time there outside on the playground.
One day a lady wasn't paying attention and was talking out loud in front of my sister and I about how this "was a place where they brought people to die"
How painful and harsh those words were.
And after a painful fight with cancer, we lost.
Conference weekend April 5Th, 1997.
We went down to the hospice and watched conference with my mom.
My mom who was no longer there.
My mom who had 6 kids ranging from 4-20.
My mom who had always made my days.
Let me try her V8 that I hated.
Let me chase the ducks out front.
Let me sleep on her floor sometimes.
Made me Nolly.
Made me an awesome sunflower hat. (which is where I get my love for sunflowers)
My mom who I loved.
I believe I was in denial then, I was 4, happy, and confused.
I refused to let anyone do my hair.
I refused to let anyone to things my mom did.
I just wanted to sleep in her bed.
Believe she was coming home soon, but she wasn't.

I love my mom deeply, and believe she is an amazing strong woman, who fought for me and my family. I believe she helps me get through my toughest days.

Although she isn't here today she has helped make me who I am today.

-I can't believe it's been 12 years already.

The lifetime risk of getting melanoma is about 1 in 50 for whites, 1 in 1,000 for blacks, 1 in 200 for Hispanics.

The American Cancer Society estimates that in 2008 there will be 62,480 new cases of melanoma in this country. And about 8,420 people will die of this disease this year.

Accounts for about 75% of all skin cancer deaths.

To prevent Skin cancer:

-Wear a hat
-Use sunscreen and reapply every 2 hours as well as after swimming and sweating
-Do NOT tan, use sunless tanning lotion if you want the look of a tan
-Wear sunglasses
-Stay in the shade
-Avoid the sun and going outside between 10 am - 4 pm
To learn more visit www.cancer.org
To get involved visit www.RelayForLife.org
To get cute Pasty By Choice shirts or hats, or learn more about the Pasty By Choice campaign visit www.pastybychoice.com
To find out when and how you can get a free cancer screening visit www.skincancer.org

Healthy skin is beautiful skin!

AIA.

2009-04-07T18:47:00.004-07:00

37.12 NONSCHOOL/CLUB PARTICIPATION

37.12.1 A student who is a member of a school Spiritline team shall not practice or compete with any other cheer/pom group, team, club, organization, association, etc., in that athletic-activity during the interscholastic season of competition. For purposes of this rule, the interscholastic season of competition shall begin with the first week of permissive football and concludes with the individual school’s last basketball game, including State competitions. Any student violating the above rule shall forfeit his/her eligibility for a minimum of the balance of the season for that athletic-activity or up to a maximum of one calendar year.

DETERMINATION: An individual student may take private lessons anytime except during the school day or during school practice sessions. Schools shall not pay for, arrange or in any way provide these individual private lessons. Individual private lessons shall not be used to circumvent or evade the nonschool/all-star participation rule and any such use of private lessons will be considered a violation of the nonschool/all-star participation rule. (Ex. Bd. 2/18/03) (This excludes competitive dance and gymnastics).

AND

· Spring Floors: To be used for tumbling skills only, no practicing jumps /stunts due to the different absorption between a spring floor and a conventional mat.

Position Statement Issues Presented by Mirja Campbell, Arizona Cheer Coaches Association

Why is there a bias for participation in outside cheerleading organizations? It is not justified that the AIA will allow Spiritline or Pom team member to do competitive gymnastics or dance, which have many of the same time and training demands of competitive cheer, but say that athletes doing cheerleading cannot. How can the AIA be justified to tell a Pom team member that they can be in competitive or studio dance but will tell a Cheerleader he or she cannot participate in club-cheerleading or other organizations nor that they can practice/train on a safer surface?

Why is there a rule being imposed that in fact LIMITS safer and better training opportunities for cheer athletes?

* Would the AIA soccer teams from training on turf if they have grass at their school?

* Would the AIA prohibit basketball teams from practicing on cement courts vs. basketball floor?
* Would the AIA prohibit tennis teams from practicing on clay or grass courts vs. hard courts?

Spiritline is a multi-season activity and this amendment creates an unreasonable bias simply because of the nature of this activity.

By not allowing high school team members to practice or compete with other organizations, this language also could impact:

* Pop Warner, Boys/Girls Club, rec league,
* high school cheerleaders who volunteer with cheer leagues or groups,
* church organizations with cheerleading ministries,
* cheerleading organizations that provide practice & performance opportunities,

So basically I can't do Varsity and All Stars, but a gymnast can do a school team and a gym team, a dancer can do a school team and be in a studio. How is this fair?

I can't believe they passed this, because it didn't pass last year.

Nolly Rocks.

2009-04-07T18:16:00.002-07:00

Because Nolly Poly is my best friend.

My mom made her for me when I was little.
After the character in my favorite book was Nolly Poly Rabbit Tail and Me.
I wanted to get it every time we went to the library.
Even though I turned it in 2 seconds earlier.
I didn't get that, that's not what you were supposed to do.
Awhile after my mom past away, my dad bought me the book.
How glad I am that he did; I don't think they print it anymore.
And it's like impossible to find one, I would know I have tried.

After my Mom past away I also got chosen for this book contest thing at the library.
You had to explain what your favorite book was and why.
You had the opportunity to go on TV and talk about it.
I chickened out.
O'well.

I am grateful my Mom made Nolly for me.

Grr.

2009-04-03T18:35:00.004-07:00

Nights like this I want to crawl in bed.
And sleep it off.
Messed up like everything I did today.
Not to mention I had like 5 plans and they ALL fell through.
Who wants to go from a fun filled planned night, to sitting in the other room hiding from grandma and grandpa.
Nights like this I am hurting from the way others treat me.
The way my friends act towards me.
The fact I can not focus.
I cry for no reason.
I just want to say grr you until tomorrow.
Soo GGGRR.

Facebook.

2009-03-31T17:38:00.003-07:00

Facebook makes me laugh.

Do you think that Cambria Greer is tone deaf but doesn't know it? Yes

Do you think that Cambria Greer can eat more than 3 Big Macs at a time? No

Do you think that Cambria Greer could shoot someone if they had to? Yes

Do you think that Cambria Greer cried while watching the Titanic Yes

Do you think that Cambria Greer is hyper? Yes

Have you ever had a crush on Cambria Greer? Yes

Do you think that Cambria Greer is cute? Yes

Spring.

2009-03-30T16:08:00.006-07:00

(Casey, Cami, Emily)
(circa 1998,99,or 2000, not quite sure. Phoenix, AZ)

Spring is in the air.
A time for happiness, change, and so much more.
Whether it's that honeysuckle body wash in the morning.
Mango's with breakfast.
Sunny weather.
Spring is here.
It's a glimpse of summer.
And I can't wait.
I am some how partially forgot what summer was like.
The happiness summer always brings me.
Late nights with friends.
Swimming.
Crazy car rides absolutely no where.
Birthday parties.
Bonn Fires.
Pouring rain from no where.
No school.
Pure joy.

Touching.

2009-03-30T16:01:00.002-07:00

http://www.billingsgazette.net/multimedia/interactive/?id=2330

20 things.

2009-03-27T17:07:00.002-07:00

1. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A doctor, those feelings so disapeared when I A. couldn't stand needles and B. couldn't stand doctors or gross things

2. What have you done in the past week to help someone else?
I gave a girl a ride home from cheer even though I almost thought about ignoring her text.

3. Who is the best-dressed person you know?
These two sisters at my church. Ahh I want their wardrobes.

4. What is on your nightstand?
lots of things.

5. If you were a cat, what kind of a cat would you be?
Those fun kitties who like to play, and cuddle.

6. If you lived in a house surrounded by acres of trees, what particular type of tree would you want flourishing on your land?
Fruit trees. Yum!

7. What do you find to be very overrated?
Teenage dating.

8. How many email addresses do you have?
two. one hardly used, one used daily.

9. Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes numerous times.

10. Would you rather watch football or baseball?
Both, depends on who is playing.

11. What is the wallpaper on your phone?
A picture of Little Miss.

12. Name a lyric from the song you're listening to.
Love, what a silly game we play

13. Do you use a feed reader?
nope.

14. What chocolate do you always leave in the box?
ones with coffee, or when I am not in the mood for nuts, and sometimes coconut.

15. What would you do if you found out your ex is engaged?
I would be shocked, but then again not. Probably let out a nice cry, and then laugh it away. Silly boy and girl.

16. Do words hurt you?
Yes, maybe too often.

17. Are you a talker or a listener? Is it ever possible to really be both?
Depends. I like to talk and listen. Talk about me, listen about you. Sometimes I don't know what to say.

18. Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
Yes, in conneticut. Two weeks, cousins, camping, and a beach. It was nice.

19. Who is your favorite professional athlete?
When I was younger it was Charles Barkley. Ahh I used to watch every suns game with my dad.

20. Which TV show have you seen pretty much every episode of?
Wife Swap. It's the only thing on at four. =)

Fun at practice

2009-03-23T21:04:00.004-07:00

This is what you get when you leave one fun coach alone with part of the team.

ahh fun night!

(P.S a six year old boy was not injured in the filming of this video.)

So

2009-03-22T19:15:00.005-07:00

Since I have been having set backs, bad dreams, and thoughts going places I don't want to go I am going to name all the good things coming up (so maybe I wont hold back as much..)
Stunt group next season! I can't wait! (and I can't wait for sleepovers with the girls before competitions in the basement.)
My dad recieveing something he truly deserves, someone who makes him happy. = Happy daddy. =)
A new bedroom to color, and decorate.
A car to drive me here and there.
Hopefully center in the dance section in our rountine for next season, since I know I deserve it.
A happy ending to an amazing cheer season. Undefeated in Arizona! =)
Some pretty cool people to hang out with, my soon to be step siblings.
A bigger house.
A license.
Summer. And an amazing one it will be.
A job?.. possibly. Will see about that summer program first..
Time to work on my back hand spring. yes, yes, I really want that!
No summer school, like I thought I might have to do. = free summer.

Woo. That just made me feel better.

.. now back to my online class...

Hope.

2009-03-17T22:36:00.002-07:00

Some days when I get the chance to bring up adoption with those around me, I do.
There are so many people around me, that are pregnant or have had a baby.
That everyone I know, has know at least one other person than me.
All the teenagers at my school, or those who I have gone to school with either are parenting or have chosen to parent.
Many believe their only options are abortion or parenting.
I have heard stories about this person or that person purposely do things to end their pregnancy.
And oh how those stories hurt me, I feel for that child that was meant to be.
Many it's about them not about their child.
"I" couldn't do that
"I" can't ruin my body
"I" can't brake my heart
"I" could never live with that
but really those are not the things you should be saying or thinking.
For me it was all about my child, the little one growing inside of me.
Maybe it didn't always start out that way, but really in the end when it came down to choosing that's what it was about.
Mothers don't have to feel like adoption is not an answer, that they are "giving away their child" that this shows "they don't want their kid" or "they don't love their child"
But really it's out of selfless love, more love to their child than anything else, that birth parents are able to make this decision.
Many around me have the same false thoughts that many others in the world have.
Any maybe just by sharing my story, that someone can find hope, or at least feel differently about adoption.
Because I sure found hope through adoption.

Youth Team

2009-03-17T22:11:00.003-07:00

Some days I wish I was these kids.
The 5 of the have the best time.
The don't worry about what place they get, or if the judges ripped them off because their coach argued something, that she knows is right because she actually wrote that rule.
They don't cry after a bad performance, or want to hide when they just bombed it.
They do youth team because it's fun.
They enjoy those hours they spend together, and the enjoy their routine.
All these kids are also on our senior team with me, but if you would ask if they had to choose one or the other hands down all would pick youth.
I don't blame them either.
Ahh how nice it would be to be under ten.
They win everybody's hearts especially the twins. =)
How could you blame anyone, they are adorable.
National Champions yet again!-03/15/09 (Video from a Desert Showdown 02/28/09)

My team did ok this weekend.
And got 3rd out of 5 teams.
It was a tough competition, and should have stepped it up.. but really I think we stepped down.
O'well.
Here's to next weekend.
And here's to being a kid.

Being a kid.

2009-03-09T16:14:00.008-07:00

Being a kid.
This weekend was all about having fun, being a kid, and enjoying myself.
Yes this subject is still on my mind!
Whether it was playing tag with Bella and Claire.
Watching Brennan, Bella and Claire jumping on the couch in the basement.

Playing with Lily and lifting her way up in the air.

Taking pictures with my niece Rae.

Dancing on the floor before awards at my competition.

Having fun with my friend Will in Tucson picking out clothes for each other and trying them on, jumping on top of beds in sears, or piggy back rides that ended in spins in the middle of the isle in Sears.

Life is about having those special times, taking the chance, being silly, having fun, and loving every moment of it.
Living life to the fullest.
We all have parts of a kid in us.

Positives

2009-03-09T15:58:00.003-07:00

Positive Accomplishments:

My Team is still undefeated. And we are once again most entertaining. (03-07-09 -> Jamfest in Tucson)

I ran 4 extra pacers in weight training then I did 2 months ago, on Friday.

My body fat is down 2.6%

I have lost 6 inches on my waist.

Life is good.

Celebrate it.

And enjoy it to the fullest!

(P.S. waiting to hear back on the Math and Science Honors Program this summer.. I am so hoping I get chosen.. curious what I am talking about?.. http://www.asu.edu/mshp/)

Sparkle

2009-03-07T22:23:00.004-07:00

I can't remember the last time I really lived and enjoyed my life completely.
Sometimes I feel like a robot going back and forth accomplishing this only to move on to that.
Today I met up with a good old friend, and I really enjoyed myself.
I can't tell you what was different, why it was that amazing, but I really, truly enjoyed myself.
And although I have enjoyed myself, and had fun, maybe I just forgot how to be a kid, how to be silly.
Today I was a kid, today I loved every moment of my day and my friendship with a great friend.
Today I felt like this is what I have been yearning for.
I was able to see what I am really missing.
I need to live with that sparkle in my life, because I was born, born to shine.

Tumbling.

2009-03-03T22:08:00.004-07:00

I have been looking at this mat for weeks, so angry and so upset.
I just haven't been able to tumble since I went back to cheer.
I can't figure out how to use all this muscle I have.
I was only a few practices away from having my back handspring, before I left cheer in the beginning of April, not sure if my path would bring me back to cheer.
I was so upset about cheer, about tumbling, about everything.
My coach said something to the effect of "you would have had your back hand spring"... the other night..
And how much that really killed me.
Those word have been echoing in my head, frustrating me.
I promised myself that when I came to the decision that Lily was going to be adopted that I would accomplish things, or at least try my hardest to.
Back handspring was sure on the list.
What is it about this mat that keeps holding me back?
Why can't I tumble?
I am sure having a hard time with this..

Stunting with Candy.

2009-03-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

Candy Stunt Video
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Siblings.

2009-02-25T22:04:00.002-07:00

Left to right, front to back. (youngest to oldest even!)
Row 1- Me, Katelyn
Row 2- Andy, Kristi, Ryan
Row 3- Daryl

Priceless.

2009-02-24T21:04:00.004-07:00

Story.

2009-02-22T15:55:00.005-07:00

My story is not unheard.
My story is not forgotten.
My story isn't sad.
My story is well amazing.
My story is not quiet it is loud for all to hear.
Adoption is not sad, for it's the fear of it that is sad.
Birth mother's don't give up their children, they place them where they belong.
Birth mother's don't search for the easy way out, for it is of the heart that they are truly able to conquer many won't even dare.
They watch their hearts be torn, watch the emotions that tear them apart, only for the benefit of their child.
Adoption does not tear a family apart, it helps create one.
It's about making a wrong thing right, and in desperation to find the best possible life for their child birth mothers, and birth fathers, find it through adoption.
I could not ever imagine holding my child back for my benefit.
I love Lily with all my heart, and only through that was I able to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make.
Only through that was Lily given the chance to succeed without me holding her back.
Only through this will she know I loved her more than anything. I loved her more than I could ever dare try to explain.
(picture circa July 2008, 5 months)

Valentine's Day Competition

2009-02-22T15:38:00.003-07:00

After frantically changing chunks of our routine to compete in level 3, we were showed that is was all worth it. The extra long practice, and the stress that drove us insane. We walked off that floor not only giving the best performance we had given this season, but having a feeling of accomplishment. Our coaches were proud, and we were proud! Getting 1st that day and receiving Grand Champions just added to the happiness. I am proud of my team to say that we really stepped it up.
Go VCD Senior Level 3! (for now at least, level 4.2 don't think we had disowned you yet..)