Anything is Possible

"If you hear a voice within you say, "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." -Vincent Van Gogh

Unknown Territory

"You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you." -Harold B. Lee

Often times in my life I am scared to take the next step, or take a chance. I want to see the ending before the beginning. I want to know all will be fine in the end; that it is worth my time. Life isn't quite like that though. You have to take chances and learn from mistakes. It's having faith that gets you the first few steps into the darkness, after that you must have perseverance. It's easy to give up or run away when life gets scary and you are unsure. But to grow you must continue on the journey. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of all that I have conquered. I mean I can do anything, if I just believe I can.

Friends

(Buddies, March 2010)

A few weeks ago I saw sweet Lily. As she walked near me I held out my arms and she came to give me a hug. What a sweet moment I have replayed several times since. Looking at this picture from that day I think of how we are friends, and how I love being friends. When I was pregnant I often called her my little buddy. 16 months later she still is my little buddy. Oh how I love visits with her, her lovely siblings, and awesome parents. Open adoption is amazing.

Try Being Me

Thoughts, emotions, they tear me apart.
People talking like this just hurts my heart.
How could they feel that way?
Why am I judged?
For I am not the best, but neither are those who walk the paths around me.
Pain, hurt, tears.
You have no idea what my life is like, don't try to judge.
Until you have been me, you would have no idea.

Feelings

"Do you have hope in yourself?"

A question that caught me off guard. I was totally called out on it.

My inability to answer said it all.

Maybe I can't see myself in a good light. Stuck thinking people will only see me for my mistakes. Although I know not all people see me just for my mistakes, sometimes it feels like the mistakes cover up the good I have done. Or that the good will never make up for the mistakes. I know I have done good, my life is good, I am happy, but hope in myself... I think I need to work on that.

Heaven?

I am four years old and nothing can be harder on me. If I only understand what is going on around me. I know, but in so many ways I don't understand. I keep replaying that conversation in my head. "I don't want you to die Mommy." "I don't want to die either" she says. I spend all my time with her, that's never going to change, I think. But it has changed, she can no longer take care of me. She is sick and she's changing everyday. She is no longer home, she's some where else. A hospice, whatever that is. And I can't stand to be there with the scary nurses, so I spend my time out on the play ground, swinging by myself. She's dead they tell me, but I still don't understand. It's her funeral and I have a question, "So is this heaven Andy?".

Jello Belly

We are shopping for swim suits in Dillards. "Nothing fits me right, too fat for two pieces and too tall for one pieces" I said. "You just have the jello baby belly, we all get them. You just have to work to get rid of that." "It's true, I know, I just hate it."