New Year

2013 was a beautiful mess.

The year started out with me crashing at my sister's house, while my cat crashed at my other sister's house. This continued for months.

I would lie if I said those first few months weren't hard. New Year's day I didn't even want to get out of bed, I wanted to wake up from the nightmare I thought I was in.

The following months brought lots of heartache as I dealt with change and the emotions I was dealing with. I remember one such day bawling my eyes out at the doctor asking for anxiety and depression medication. I thought that was my way out.

After that came months of building myself back up.

I moved out.
Enrolled at ASU.
Promotion at work to manager.
Bought myself a new car.
And I stopped my medications.

Lily's parent also separated at the beginning of the year. And although it was a shock at first, it has been quite an easy transition. But that's a story for another day.

The year ended strong, and happy. It reminded me of so many other hard years and times where there was always light at the end of the tunnel. Life is silly like that, we all have hard times, but we all have smooth times afterwards.

Here's to a strong start to a new year.

Life's a beautiful mess.

Thank you.

The past few weeks have been hard.
I've cried almost every day.
So much is going on and sometimes I feel as if I can't get a grip.
Grateful for those in my life I can always lean on with no questions asked.
When the pieces of my life continue to crumble, they are there helping me put them back.
Thank you.

My Heart Can Still Ache

Some nights are harder than others.
I would be a liar if I told you I never hurt, I never cry, I never miss, or that I never wish things were different.
Some days I don't want to do anything but lay in bed and cry.
Some days I long for that sweet little girl in my arms.
Some days I completely loose it.
And that's okay.


Even almost four years later my heart still aches in its own way.

I'm lucky

Sometimes I am reminded how I am such a lucky little lady. So happy to be in a relationship with my best friend, couldn't ask for anything better. Life is good.

Enjoying Every Moment

3 and half years ago I came home from the hospital and very shortly after my now best friend was there to visit. He was there when I was pregnant taking me out for late night drives and trips to sonic. He was there after placement when I some days I couldn't even function. I remember many nights where I would call him bawling my eyes out, only for him to come pick me up right away, so I wasn't alone. He even does that now when I am having a bad day. He was there during my weakest days, hardest times in my life, and he has always stood right beside me, no questions asked. 

As our friendship evolves into a relationship, I am constantly reminded why I am attracted to this guy, why I trust him so much. Because above all he's been the best friend I could ever ask for. And at the end of the day, even if our relationship doesn't keep progressing, I am grateful to have him there next to me as my best friend. 

Only time will tell the future. But for now I am enjoying every moment. 

August 5, 2008

standing around

waiting for what comes next.
cause i sure don't know whats next
but that's life you got to be ready
for anything.
and some how knowing that you can
get through it you push yourself
to what you can be.
loving yourself even when
it seems like nobody else does
that only you have your back
we all have those times in our life
when we would rather not get out of bed.
that laying there curled up in a ball crying your
eyes out is all you can do
you push your self one step further
cause you know you are better than that
that even if the cards you got played
are nothing more than some crappy hand
that you can win with it
because you have that strength
the strength you built over the
long hard years.
you enjoy life and deal with situations
you think you can never bring yourself
up out of.
but there is a sunny side of the situation
you have to push yourself through the
hard pouring rain,, the storm that never seems
to end
and that flood that is built up around you
just waiting to swallow you up if you'll let it
but don't you're stronger than that
you got the sun shining through your smile
and it'll dry that flood up
your laughter brings the rays
and someday
it'll be bright and sunny again
only if you make it that way

.