I'm lucky

Sometimes I am reminded how I am such a lucky little lady. So happy to be in a relationship with my best friend, couldn't ask for anything better. Life is good.

T r i a l s are life's lessons.

Sometimes I feel as if everything hits me at once. 

I remember weeks ago thinking about trials, and how I always come out of them a stronger person. And how I know of people who pray for trials. But I thought to myself, I couldn't do that. I personally don't think I would want to ask for trials... that's just asking for trouble.

However even without asking, I still receive little trials.

And it true Cami trial fashion, there are always multiple trials at once.

This week my phone got taken from my cheer gym by one of my own teammates. It ended up in the road not too far from my gym. Another teammate's mom almost ran it over and brought it back to the gym. However it was ruined, and I was clearly upset. I thought about why someone would do this, I thought who would do it. It hurt to think one of my own teammates would hate me so much that they felt the needs to take my personal property and ruin it. It angers me. A visit to my phone company and $50 later, I was able to get a replacement phone. But oh how I wish I could tell a few people off on my team, or hurt them back. But I know all they want is a reaction out of me, and you better believe I won't give them the one they want. 

I'm so over young teenagers, and can't wait to be done with cheering. As much as I love stunting, tumbling, and competing, when things such as this happen I question why I still continue to put myself through all the drama. 7 more months until this chapter of my life that I've loved so much will be over. Although it will hurt, and I'm sure I'll go through a little crisis trying to discover what my life will be like now, I know it's time to walk away.

I'm sick. So sick in fact I took the last two days off of both school and work, and just slept every moment I could. I sat three hours in urgent care yesterday morning to find out I have Bronchitis, Tracheitis, and Laryngitis. I'm tired, and sickly. But actually pretty grateful for being sick. It has given me some much needed sleep and relaxation time. Time I probably won't see again till after Christmas, and then once again in spring break, followed by nothing til summer. Ahh.

I'm not so sure I'll pass all my classes with good grades this semester. I'm actually pretty certain I won't. I'm hoping to at least pass and keep my scholarship. But only time with tell..

Sometimes it just hurts.

Sometimes I wish I was good enough.

Good enough to be respected, good enough to be praised, good enough to feel like someone always has my back, good enough to feel like who I am, what I offer, and my life is good enough.

But often times I feel like who am I, what I offer, my life, my choices, everything about me, is never  GOOD enough.

I can never be good enough for some people in my life.

I can never be offered any thing.

I am often expected to do it myself, or on my own, when I watch others be handed everything, or when I see others who are at least offered help.

However, when I ask for help, I am denied. I am treated like what I just asked for was a horrible thing.

It bothers me to live my life like this.

I want positive in my life, but so often I am only given negative.

It hurts.

It hurts to be told that I need to move on with my life.

It hurts to be told that I am supposedly stuck in the same spot as I was 3 years ago.

It hurts be told I need to quit the one activity I love.

It hurts to not even have my dad bother to show up to a cheer competition.

It hurts to not be understood.

It hurts to be struggling, and nobody notice, nobody care.

It hurts for someone to tell you how amazing you are, only then act like you don't exist.

It hurts to watch my best friend leave to college, and wish that there was some way to make him stay.

It hurts not to feel loved, by those who should love me unconditionally.

It hurts to not be supported, by those who should support me nonstop.

It hurts to miss the one person I love so much.

Sometimes it just hurts.

Breakup

Started writing 7/27/2010

(July 2008)

I remember this weekend somewhat vividly. My brother, my dad and I went up north for a day. We hiked and I was reminded of how out of shape I had become in just a few months. My relationship with my boyfriend was in shambles and had just ended within the past few days. I was still in shock. Nobody around me knew. I wasn't ready to hear their opinions.. I just wanted to spend the last bit of time with my siblings and my dad and forget about the world. I knew that the next few months would be difficult. And I was scared. I wanted things to be different, I wanted to be in a relationship, I wanted to be able to raise my child as my own, and I wanted the father to be supportive. Yet I let the relationship end. I was the one who had called him out, I was the one who threatened to walk away from the relationship if he didn't grow up, and when he told me he could no longer do this, I was the one who told him "don't do it then". I think a part of me knew that although I wanted our relationship to work, it wasn't right. And although I wanted to parent, that wasn't the right choice for me either. In some ways I think I knew what I needed to do by this time, and I knew it would be easier if I was single, and able to handle the situation alone without the constant thought that I could do it because the father and I were together. That's why I let him walk away. And to be honest I could have done it. But when I tried to imagine how parenting would go, I could never picture it. I tried to imagine many scenarios but yet nothing seemed right. After the break up I tried to imagine how I would parent. How it would be for my child to go back and forth between two parents. How I knew she would suffer going from home to home. How I knew she would suffer being raised by parents who were children themselves. And I knew that it wasn't the right decision for me to parent. It was hard decision to make, and looking back I'm not sure how I was able to do it. But I know that Heavenly Father blessed me, and I was put through situations that allowed my heart to be softened to adoption. For without these situations and experiences I am not sure if I would have. I am grateful for the decision I made to place my little girl for adoption, because she has the life I couldn't have given her at this time in my life. I am grateful that she will always know I love her, and I made this loving decision for her. Because she deserves the best this world has to offer.

Balancing; A Part of Life

For a long time I have felt that there requires a balance in all things.
For a blessing to come, there requires a trial.
As well as after a trial, comes a blessing.
While I don't completely understand why this is, in some ways I am grateful for it.
It reminds me to be thankful of my blessings.
It reminds me to enjoy the happiness.

I believe it is impossible to understand how it feels to place your birth child in to the arms of another family for eternity, unless you have experienced it. Even when you know it's right, it still hurts sometimes.

But lately is has hurt when others have tried to tell me how is should be. Others who have not experienced this, and can not fully comprehend.
It hurts when those who once were supporting me, now seem to be out to put me down.

But along with this trial, comes a blessing. A blessing of being apart of a group of special people. There is a connection between people who fully understand, and have been blessed through adoption, no matter the circumstance. And I am blessed to know, and love people like this who help me through my trials.

My trial maybe others who put me down, but oh how am I richly blessed by the Lord to know so many amazing people.

A reminder that there is always a blessing to be found, if my eyes, and heart are open.

Adoption; A Process

Sometimes I feel like the world expects me to be over the placement of my birth daughter. 

That because I feel like it was/is the best for her, and I know it is right, that it should no longer hurt, that I should just be able to continue on with life like nothing ever occurred. 

But this is NOT true. 

It will always be apart of my life.

Some days is does hurt.

Some nights I cry. 

Sometimes I just can't even make it through the day normally.

I have bad days, I have hard weeks.

And sometimes when it's really hard, the hard week may turn into a hard few weeks. 

But it is just part of the process.

And that is okay.

Adoption is NOT an event, or milestone. 

You can't just tackle it and get over it.

Instead it is a process, something continually part of your life, apart of who you are.

I never forget the events, the pain, the love, or her.

But most of the time, all of this doesn't consume all of my thoughts.

But when it does consume the majority of my thoughts, I am reminded that I don't ever want to just forget it all. 

The the events, the pain, the love, the friendships, and the miracle of her alone, are all apart of who I am.

They have also made me to who I am today.

For that I am grateful.

I am very blessed.

Adoption will always be a huge part of my life.

Somethings like this will never change.

(Picture taken National Adoption Day, November 15, 2008. Placement Day)

Connected

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet
regardless of time, place, or circumstance.

The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.

--- An ancient Chinese belief

I have grown.

"you.. just have a lot of baggage."

As these words were said to me, I could feel the pain. It hurt because I knew what he was talking about. He was talking about an experience that has made me who I am, made me a better person. As I look back on this summer of dating, and now ending a relationship I have realized that only that comment could have hurt me so badly. Something I hold so highly was referred to so lowly. It took a shot a who I am today. However now I have the choice to continue to allow it to bring me down, or simply just let go and forgive. I am working on the latter. 

"It takes a lot of work to forgive someone who has hurt you"

As a birth mom I know that there will always be people who can't accept it, who judge, or who just can't handle it. They haven't been taught. If nothing else I hope to teach others about the miracle of adoption. How it has made me who I am. That although I have made mistakes in my past, those mistakes don't define who I am today. Because I am a far better person than I was 2 1/2 years ago. I have grown.

Group

As I sat in birth parent group last night a few things were on my mind.

1. As a birth mom I am different, I can't explain it. But I feel it in the sense that those around me don't see life the same way I do. Going to the bottom, and crawling your way back up from darkness with help from the Lord makes it this way. You learn that through the Lord you can make it through whatever, it may be hard, but in the end you'll see the blessings. I am so very blessed to be a birth mom.

2.  It takes a very special person to love, and understand a birth mom. As I said birth moms in general are special people, I would know, I have had the pleasure of friending many in just the past two years. Not every guy will understand a birth mom, just any guy can't be okay with dating a birth mom. But that's okay because birth moms deserve a person who can love them for them, just the way they are.

3. You can't come out this experience unchanged.

My escape each week is birth parent group. I go to learn, I go to love, I go to share, and I go to grow as a person. It keeps me going.

Get it out

I want it out. I want them to know, I feel so hidden and it hurts. Sometimes in life I find that deciding when and where to tell someone about your adoption experience can be difficult. Will they judge? Will they understand who I am better? Will they thing less of me? Or more? Will it matter? Are all questions that race my mind. At a certain point you either have to tell or you are pretty much living a lie. I often find myself running away from the situation because I am scared and I hate the feeling I get that I am lying.
This is a constant struggle as I continue to move on in life and changes occur, I am bound to meet new people.

Sometimes I wish every believed adoption was such a great thing then I wouldn't be so scared to share my story. But then what would I be good for? I am here to educate and inform and I can't do it if everyone already has a testimony of adoption.

Striken

My freedom was striken
He was controlling me
I tried to tell him
I felt like a prisoner
But he
He wouldn't listen
It was my decision
Not his
But for a long time
It never felt like mine
Till that day
The day it all came to play
For then I no longer felt
Felt as if my freedom was striken
For I was the one that acted