Balancing; A Part of Life

For a long time I have felt that there requires a balance in all things.
For a blessing to come, there requires a trial.
As well as after a trial, comes a blessing.
While I don't completely understand why this is, in some ways I am grateful for it.
It reminds me to be thankful of my blessings.
It reminds me to enjoy the happiness.

I believe it is impossible to understand how it feels to place your birth child in to the arms of another family for eternity, unless you have experienced it. Even when you know it's right, it still hurts sometimes.

But lately is has hurt when others have tried to tell me how is should be. Others who have not experienced this, and can not fully comprehend.
It hurts when those who once were supporting me, now seem to be out to put me down.

But along with this trial, comes a blessing. A blessing of being apart of a group of special people. There is a connection between people who fully understand, and have been blessed through adoption, no matter the circumstance. And I am blessed to know, and love people like this who help me through my trials.

My trial maybe others who put me down, but oh how am I richly blessed by the Lord to know so many amazing people.

A reminder that there is always a blessing to be found, if my eyes, and heart are open.

Being Raised

The other day I made a comment about how I don't have a mom. And in some ways that is correct because I do not have a mom here raising me, I was incorrect because I do have a mom who gave birth to me, raised me for four years and is now watching over me. I think sometimes I forget that all though this as has been a constant struggle in my life that I have also been blessed for enduring it. I also feel like I often over look the life lessons I have been taught and the raising my siblings step up and did for me. For it was them who have also had my back from day one.

Daryl taught me to shuffle cards.. or he at least tried to. We hung out and had sleepovers after he moved out. He painted me a picture of the two of us that hangs above my bed.
Ryan took care of me in a lot of way how my mom might have. He picked me up from daycare daily and we would hang out just the two of us before anyone else made it home. He taught me how to care, and how to love.
Kristin taught me how to feel. To allow my emotions to show when needed and that's it's ok to cry and let it all out.
Andy taught me how to ride a bike. He let me hang out with his friends while he had parties when I was just so young. I always felt special and loved.
Katelyn taught me how to push through my trials and that I can conquer anything life throws at me. How to be head strong and never settle.

So maybe I haven't had the opportunity to be "raised" by my mom. But being "raised" by my siblings has taught me things from different personalities and views that I might not have been blessed with otherwise. So while I can be sad, I am choosing to be happy and appreciate the love and guidance my siblings have blessed me with.

Missing

This week more than ever I miss Mesa.
My silly colored walls. Pink, purple, and turquoise.
My tile floor, cold, but cute design.
My pool where i swam mornings last summer while I was pregnant, went swimming with friends, and was pushed into on a birthday.
My friends who make me feel good about life.
My life.
Everything I grew so accustomed to.
I miss Lazona ward.

Life seems to pass me by quickly.

Things change.

2 weeks ago we had the primary program in our ward.
I remember looking at all the kids trying to figure out just one of their names.
I got nothing.
It hit me, I barely know anyone.
It hurt.
It hurts knowing they know nothing about me, and not knowing how to open up.

Missing it won't bring it back.
But don't think I have forgotten you.
You are the ones pushing me forward.
Thank you.