Jello Belly

We are shopping for swim suits in Dillards. "Nothing fits me right, too fat for two pieces and too tall for one pieces" I said. "You just have the jello baby belly, we all get them. You just have to work to get rid of that." "It's true, I know, I just hate it."

Striken

My freedom was striken
He was controlling me
I tried to tell him
I felt like a prisoner
But he
He wouldn't listen
It was my decision
Not his
But for a long time
It never felt like mine
Till that day
The day it all came to play
For then I no longer felt
Felt as if my freedom was striken
For I was the one that acted

I'm Coming Home

Over the next few days I will focus on the past. I have set up blog posts each day of journal entries from back a few years ago up to now. I have chosen to share a part of me with you.


I'm coming home, I promise
This really isn't me
I know
I've lost myself somewhere
Somewhere along the road
I miss being happy, I miss being me
My family is waiting,
Waiting for things to change
I'm not sure how I lost myself,
I'm not sure where the road is
But I am wanting to go home
I am feeling so lost,
so sad and lonely
Why have things changed?
Today starts a new beginning
I promise
I'm starting the road home
I just have to find it
I am changing
I am going to be the real me
Don't worry,
I'll be home soon

A Yearning To Be Free

How to you tell someone you know about your adoption experience?

I have found that when I choose to not tell someone off the bat, it gets harder and harder to tell them. Sometimes I feel like I am living a lie. That I am hiding a big part of who I am.

Deep down it's not that I am embaressed about it, but scared what their reaction will be. Will they say the wrong thing? Will they judge me because I made a mistake and got pregnant? Will they understand my choice? Will I forever be know as the girl who had a baby at fifteen?

I think sometimes we all have our secrets, things we can't find a way to tell someone. As time goes on it gets easier to not tell them; We rationalize it.

Sometimes I wish I saw myself in a better light. That I embraced every opportunity to tell someone about adoption, and how much it has blessed my life. For I just yearn to be free.

Public Speaking

Someone told me today that I was a good public speaker.
I laugh because public speaking was never my thing.

I used to do anything to get out of it in school, or church.
A few run ins with people judging me sent me to tears.
So I never wanted to do it again.

But speaking about adoption is different.
I still get nervous, and I sometimes loose my words.
I am not ever perfect; I sometimes forget what I was trying to say, or get embaressed.
I some how get the confidence to speak about it though.

At the end of speaking about adoption I feel good.
It's like an emotional cleanse, or that feeling like you know you are supposed to be doing what you just did.
Maybe that's just it.

Getting through

"The best way out is always through" -Robert Frost

Things will ease up soon, I keep telling myself. I can make it through.

Many Dreams

I have dreams of

landing my back-hand-spring,

meeting the perfect guy,

loosing myself head over heels,

graduating,

having my own children,

helping others,

teaching others about adoption,

growing up,

understanding life,

making it to heaven,

enjoying life,

cheering my heart out,

 making a difference,

and trusting people.

My life consists of many dreams and if I apply myself I can accomplish all that I have set out to do.