9/26/10

As I walked into my old ward today I was reminded of the love that grows there.

How it always draws me back.

How I never want to leave.

I cried just a little bit being in a place that holds so much of me in it.

I felt safe.

It reminded me of how much I've grown.

And how I don't want to go back down the roads I have already traveled.

School holds it's challenges for me.

Mostly social.

I don't feel like I can relate to many of the college kids.

In reality don't want to relate to what they do.
But that's just a part of life.


Sometimes I wish life was as easy as running back to my roots.
My old ward.

72 hour waiting period

I remember the day before I placed.
I went to get my hair done for pictures the next day.
My dad offered to watch Lily while I went to the salon.
I didn't want to leave her.
I felt like those were going to be two hours I would never get back.
I watched the clock intently while I got my hair done.
I wanted to go home as fast as I could.
My arms wanted to hold that sweet baby girl for as long as I could.
I went home with wet, freshly dyed hair.
I couldn't wait any longer, not even for her to dry my hair.

In one of meetings with my caseworker we talked about the 72 hour waiting period before I could sign.
I could sign temporary foster care over to her parents, spend a few days in a hotel, or go home for the remainder of the time before the 72 hours passed.
There were a lot of reasons why I chose to take her home. But a few that stood out the most are

1. I wanted to spend time with her, in comfortable settings. Hospitals remind me of sickly people; of my mom. Hospitals make me uncomfortable.
2. I couldn't bare the thought of signing papers on two separate occasions. I knew the Lord could help me sign once, but twice sounded unbearable. I knew my limits, and I knew twice would not happen. (even if once was foster care, and once was adoption papers)
3. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. To build up strength to overcome the battle I was facing, the battle I will continue to face.  She was my little buddy, she strengthened me when I was pregnant and I felt like I couldn't go on, and she gave me strength to place. The Lord knew how to comfort me, he knew I would find comfort in her.
4. Simply, I needed it for me.

Those few days were some of the best days. Days that reminded me what I needed to do, what I chose to do. The gave me strength to continue on the journey. They comforted me, and allowed me to see that all would be well.

I have grown.

"you.. just have a lot of baggage."

As these words were said to me, I could feel the pain. It hurt because I knew what he was talking about. He was talking about an experience that has made me who I am, made me a better person. As I look back on this summer of dating, and now ending a relationship I have realized that only that comment could have hurt me so badly. Something I hold so highly was referred to so lowly. It took a shot a who I am today. However now I have the choice to continue to allow it to bring me down, or simply just let go and forgive. I am working on the latter. 

"It takes a lot of work to forgive someone who has hurt you"

As a birth mom I know that there will always be people who can't accept it, who judge, or who just can't handle it. They haven't been taught. If nothing else I hope to teach others about the miracle of adoption. How it has made me who I am. That although I have made mistakes in my past, those mistakes don't define who I am today. Because I am a far better person than I was 2 1/2 years ago. I have grown.

Group

As I sat in birth parent group last night a few things were on my mind.

1. As a birth mom I am different, I can't explain it. But I feel it in the sense that those around me don't see life the same way I do. Going to the bottom, and crawling your way back up from darkness with help from the Lord makes it this way. You learn that through the Lord you can make it through whatever, it may be hard, but in the end you'll see the blessings. I am so very blessed to be a birth mom.

2.  It takes a very special person to love, and understand a birth mom. As I said birth moms in general are special people, I would know, I have had the pleasure of friending many in just the past two years. Not every guy will understand a birth mom, just any guy can't be okay with dating a birth mom. But that's okay because birth moms deserve a person who can love them for them, just the way they are.

3. You can't come out this experience unchanged.

My escape each week is birth parent group. I go to learn, I go to love, I go to share, and I go to grow as a person. It keeps me going.

Unconditional Love

Do you understand my thoughts and fears

Do you see that I'm not as strong as I appear

Life has often hit with with a bat

I have even fallen numerous times hard on the mat

But thorough my experiences I have grown

Learned that I can always come crawling home

Straight down on my knees

I plead to be free

My trials and struggles seem to disappear

Along with all my hidden fears

He lifts me up when I am weak

And reminds me to always be meek

Unconditional love is what he brings

Reminding me life is about the simple little things

Get it out

I want it out. I want them to know, I feel so hidden and it hurts. Sometimes in life I find that deciding when and where to tell someone about your adoption experience can be difficult. Will they judge? Will they understand who I am better? Will they thing less of me? Or more? Will it matter? Are all questions that race my mind. At a certain point you either have to tell or you are pretty much living a lie. I often find myself running away from the situation because I am scared and I hate the feeling I get that I am lying.
This is a constant struggle as I continue to move on in life and changes occur, I am bound to meet new people.

Sometimes I wish every believed adoption was such a great thing then I wouldn't be so scared to share my story. But then what would I be good for? I am here to educate and inform and I can't do it if everyone already has a testimony of adoption.

Being Raised

The other day I made a comment about how I don't have a mom. And in some ways that is correct because I do not have a mom here raising me, I was incorrect because I do have a mom who gave birth to me, raised me for four years and is now watching over me. I think sometimes I forget that all though this as has been a constant struggle in my life that I have also been blessed for enduring it. I also feel like I often over look the life lessons I have been taught and the raising my siblings step up and did for me. For it was them who have also had my back from day one.

Daryl taught me to shuffle cards.. or he at least tried to. We hung out and had sleepovers after he moved out. He painted me a picture of the two of us that hangs above my bed.
Ryan took care of me in a lot of way how my mom might have. He picked me up from daycare daily and we would hang out just the two of us before anyone else made it home. He taught me how to care, and how to love.
Kristin taught me how to feel. To allow my emotions to show when needed and that's it's ok to cry and let it all out.
Andy taught me how to ride a bike. He let me hang out with his friends while he had parties when I was just so young. I always felt special and loved.
Katelyn taught me how to push through my trials and that I can conquer anything life throws at me. How to be head strong and never settle.

So maybe I haven't had the opportunity to be "raised" by my mom. But being "raised" by my siblings has taught me things from different personalities and views that I might not have been blessed with otherwise. So while I can be sad, I am choosing to be happy and appreciate the love and guidance my siblings have blessed me with.