Afraid of Changing

"Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you" ~Dixie Chicks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sp1fKoMOV74

I know I have another year, but since this year has gone by so fast, I am scared that so will next year. "What's next?", I have asked myself constantly the last few weeks. To be honest I wish I knew..

Balancing; A Part of Life

For a long time I have felt that there requires a balance in all things.
For a blessing to come, there requires a trial.
As well as after a trial, comes a blessing.
While I don't completely understand why this is, in some ways I am grateful for it.
It reminds me to be thankful of my blessings.
It reminds me to enjoy the happiness.

I believe it is impossible to understand how it feels to place your birth child in to the arms of another family for eternity, unless you have experienced it. Even when you know it's right, it still hurts sometimes.

But lately is has hurt when others have tried to tell me how is should be. Others who have not experienced this, and can not fully comprehend.
It hurts when those who once were supporting me, now seem to be out to put me down.

But along with this trial, comes a blessing. A blessing of being apart of a group of special people. There is a connection between people who fully understand, and have been blessed through adoption, no matter the circumstance. And I am blessed to know, and love people like this who help me through my trials.

My trial maybe others who put me down, but oh how am I richly blessed by the Lord to know so many amazing people.

A reminder that there is always a blessing to be found, if my eyes, and heart are open.

Adoption; A Process

Sometimes I feel like the world expects me to be over the placement of my birth daughter. 

That because I feel like it was/is the best for her, and I know it is right, that it should no longer hurt, that I should just be able to continue on with life like nothing ever occurred. 

But this is NOT true. 

It will always be apart of my life.

Some days is does hurt.

Some nights I cry. 

Sometimes I just can't even make it through the day normally.

I have bad days, I have hard weeks.

And sometimes when it's really hard, the hard week may turn into a hard few weeks. 

But it is just part of the process.

And that is okay.

Adoption is NOT an event, or milestone. 

You can't just tackle it and get over it.

Instead it is a process, something continually part of your life, apart of who you are.

I never forget the events, the pain, the love, or her.

But most of the time, all of this doesn't consume all of my thoughts.

But when it does consume the majority of my thoughts, I am reminded that I don't ever want to just forget it all. 

The the events, the pain, the love, the friendships, and the miracle of her alone, are all apart of who I am.

They have also made me to who I am today.

For that I am grateful.

I am very blessed.

Adoption will always be a huge part of my life.

Somethings like this will never change.

(Picture taken National Adoption Day, November 15, 2008. Placement Day)

Connected

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet
regardless of time, place, or circumstance.

The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.

--- An ancient Chinese belief

Two

You are Two and Beautiful

I wonder how your personality will grow

I hear your laugh

I see your bright smile that goes ear to ear

I want the very best for you

You are Two and Beautiful

You are Two and Beautiful

I pretend you are my little angel

I feel deep love and appreciation for you

I touch your soft hair

I worry about what you will have to experience during your life

I cry when I miss you

You are Two and Beautiful

You are Two and Beautiful

I understand life is sometimes difficult, but you can get through anything

I say often how much I love you

I dream about you becoming an amazing young woman one day

I try to express how blessed I am to know you

I hope you always know the love I have for you

You are Two and Beautiful

Sharing

I have found through even the last few days that the more I open my mouth about my adoption experience, so do others.

-Like on Monday, when I was shopping, me and the lady working started talking about adoption. She is an Adoptive Mom. Awesome!

-Or for some reason I started talking about how I was a birth mom in one of my classes. A girl told me later she too is a birth mom. Awesome! We talked for a good 20 minutes after class.

Through this experience we all have a special bond. A bond of friendship, of love, and of mutual respect. When I meet someone else who has been blessed by the miracle of adoption too, I feel a special connection. I feel like they understand, they get me.

Share the adoption love. :)

Long Locks

As a young child my mother grew my hair long. And I remember her as being the one who cared for it. When the realization of her death came upon me I wouldn't allow anyone to touch my hair. It was my mom's job to take care of it and I wanted her to do it. After a few days my sister took control, washed my hair, and began to brush out all the knots of a 4 year old's hair had that was so long it hit my waist. I cried as she brushed it. And after wards my dad took me and I got it cut off. It was so short that I remember being told I had boy hair in day care and I was so angry. It hurt me and I often wished my mom was there to take care of my long locks. Today I keep my hair long just because it reminds me of when I was a kid and that horrible memory. And maybe in some ways in reminds me of my childhood with my mom.