11/07/2011: Failure

 I wrote this long post on Halloween, the Monday after a terrible weekend. However, I chose not post it. I thought to myself "maybe I'll reread it, edit it, and maybe post it". However for the past week it has sat in my unpublished posts. And then today I decided I wasn't at all going to post it. I wrote it because I felt like I needed to explain what went through my mind, or explain how I could in my mind fail so badly.
But then I realized I am allowed to fail. I am allowed to brake down. I am allowed to feel what I really feel. I don't always have to put on a front, feel bad about not being able to control myself, or even require that I control myself at all times. I just need to do the best I can do, and not expect anything more than I am capable of giving.
Life is too short to be caught up on one failure. Or to let one failure define you.
Sometimes in failure you learn the most, or you teach others the most. I think I needed to fail that weekend, not only to teach myself that I do have limits, and sometimes I can't fulfill everything; but that

T r i a l s are life's lessons.

Sometimes I feel as if everything hits me at once. 

I remember weeks ago thinking about trials, and how I always come out of them a stronger person. And how I know of people who pray for trials. But I thought to myself, I couldn't do that. I personally don't think I would want to ask for trials... that's just asking for trouble.

However even without asking, I still receive little trials.

And it true Cami trial fashion, there are always multiple trials at once.

This week my phone got taken from my cheer gym by one of my own teammates. It ended up in the road not too far from my gym. Another teammate's mom almost ran it over and brought it back to the gym. However it was ruined, and I was clearly upset. I thought about why someone would do this, I thought who would do it. It hurt to think one of my own teammates would hate me so much that they felt the needs to take my personal property and ruin it. It angers me. A visit to my phone company and $50 later, I was able to get a replacement phone. But oh how I wish I could tell a few people off on my team, or hurt them back. But I know all they want is a reaction out of me, and you better believe I won't give them the one they want. 

I'm so over young teenagers, and can't wait to be done with cheering. As much as I love stunting, tumbling, and competing, when things such as this happen I question why I still continue to put myself through all the drama. 7 more months until this chapter of my life that I've loved so much will be over. Although it will hurt, and I'm sure I'll go through a little crisis trying to discover what my life will be like now, I know it's time to walk away.

I'm sick. So sick in fact I took the last two days off of both school and work, and just slept every moment I could. I sat three hours in urgent care yesterday morning to find out I have Bronchitis, Tracheitis, and Laryngitis. I'm tired, and sickly. But actually pretty grateful for being sick. It has given me some much needed sleep and relaxation time. Time I probably won't see again till after Christmas, and then once again in spring break, followed by nothing til summer. Ahh.

I'm not so sure I'll pass all my classes with good grades this semester. I'm actually pretty certain I won't. I'm hoping to at least pass and keep my scholarship. But only time with tell..

Ready For Change

I've never once struggled in school as much as I am now. It's not so much that I'm not smart, because I know I am. But it more has to do with my professors. This semester I have clashed with every single one of my professors that I have in person. I have to force myself to get up in the morning and go to school, even though I feel like class is a waste of my time. I'm always tired, I'm always worn thin, and I'm always frustrated.

So ready for this semester to be over. So ready for change.

Dating?

Tonight my coach told me she couldn't keep track of the men in my life. 

I laughed, and told her there are no men in my life right now.

But I knew what she was talking about.

Within the last year I've sorta, kinda, "hung out" with quiet a few guys.

But to be honest, I never keep them around for long.

Not because I don't want a boyfriend.. because I certainly would like that.

But because they aren't worth my time, and I tend to realize that quiet quickly.

I don't think I will have a boyfriend again, unless I see REAL potential in the guy.

Because quiet frankly, my time, and emotions are better spent on other things..

Like School, Work, Cheer, Friends, Family, and Adoption Advocating.

Life is good.

Christmas 1995

Today I found a holiday letter my mom wrote about 18 months prior to her death. Here's what she wrote about me..

"Cambria (Cami) is the youngest. She is 2 and will be 3 in January. She is a sweet girl. Always has a smile for everyone. Everyone wants to know if she ever stops smiling. She keeps Mom busy all day while everyone is at school. We all have fun with her."

I loved reading this. I think my Mom won't be surprised that I am the same today. Love her and miss her.

Listening

Last week I was having a hard week. I felt pulled in every direction.

I listened to a professor, lecture me, tell me how I should be placing school in front of everything else in my life. I wanted to argue to tell him how dare he make generalizations about me, and my life. How dare he think that i don't make school a priority, when I graduated school a year early with honors after facing an unplanned pregnancy. Or how I balanced school, work, and cheer last year and I still had a 4.0. There was so much I wanted to tell him, as he went on and on at me. But I didn't. And that's a lot for me.

For a long time I've been the girl who will argue her point to the end. I haven't let one guy treat me wrong, without me standing up for myself in a long time. I am blunt, I am argumentative, and I speak my mind. A lot! I don't let people disrespect me. It's just not in me.

But lately I've found myself just sitting back and listening. If one person really feels the need to say something to me I just listen. I don't argue, or agree, I just listen. Sometimes it's just worth the fight. They may not know or situation, want know, or could even understand. Let them judge you, let them think what they want, because in the end you know what you am doing. 

In the end I know I am doing my best. Even if all I do is get out of bed some days, as long as it's my best, that's all that matters. 

Sometimes it just hurts.

Sometimes I wish I was good enough.

Good enough to be respected, good enough to be praised, good enough to feel like someone always has my back, good enough to feel like who I am, what I offer, and my life is good enough.

But often times I feel like who am I, what I offer, my life, my choices, everything about me, is never  GOOD enough.

I can never be good enough for some people in my life.

I can never be offered any thing.

I am often expected to do it myself, or on my own, when I watch others be handed everything, or when I see others who are at least offered help.

However, when I ask for help, I am denied. I am treated like what I just asked for was a horrible thing.

It bothers me to live my life like this.

I want positive in my life, but so often I am only given negative.

It hurts.

It hurts to be told that I need to move on with my life.

It hurts to be told that I am supposedly stuck in the same spot as I was 3 years ago.

It hurts be told I need to quit the one activity I love.

It hurts to not even have my dad bother to show up to a cheer competition.

It hurts to not be understood.

It hurts to be struggling, and nobody notice, nobody care.

It hurts for someone to tell you how amazing you are, only then act like you don't exist.

It hurts to watch my best friend leave to college, and wish that there was some way to make him stay.

It hurts not to feel loved, by those who should love me unconditionally.

It hurts to not be supported, by those who should support me nonstop.

It hurts to miss the one person I love so much.

Sometimes it just hurts.