Cambria Leann

Thursday, March 18, 2010


I am four years old and nothing can be harder on me. If I only understand what is going on around me. I know, but in so many ways I don't understand. I keep replaying that conversation in my head. "I don't want you to die Mommy." "I don't want to die either" she says. I spend all my time with her, that's never going to change, I think. But it has changed, she can no longer take care of me. She is sick and she's changing everyday. She is no longer home, she's some where else. A hospice, whatever that is. And I can't stand to be there with the scary nurses, so I spend my time out on the play ground, swinging by myself. She's dead they tell me, but I still don't understand. It's her funeral and I have a question, "So is this heaven Andy?".

1 comment:

Suz said...

Wow!!! I can't even imagine how confusing that might be. And even more, how agrivating to hear something that meant NO sense at all. A quick story... I used to have major anxiety over sending my children out and about because if something happened to them I wouldn't be able to help them. And Heaven forbid if one of them was prematurely "taken home". One day it dawned on me that just as I was so concerned about these little people so was the Father and Mother of my spirit concerned about me. And if me, then also my little people. And it made it easier to let them go because I realized that even though I couldn't be every where that they were playing or learning, There was a Father, who loved them as much as I do, that could be there to watch over them. Often when my kids are away I pray for them just as a little reminder that they are away from me and so Heaven must have a close watch on them.
I can't imagine what it feels like as a very young child to loose the one woman that meant more to me than any other. But I believe with my whole heart that she has had great concern for you the whole time. Undoubtadly when your mom couldn't physically hold you on her knee she was still praying for you. ANd further, she must have a great understanding about a loving Heavenly Father who holds you in His hand... even if she can't physically be here to do it herself.
You will see her again. And when you do the reunion will be mighty and without end. I promise! I promise. It is worth it. If there is nothing else to be happy about, then keep that forsight ahead of you... It will bring you happinesses endless.