Sunday, June 13, 2010
I want it out. I want them to know, I feel so hidden and it hurts. Sometimes in life I find that deciding when and where to tell someone about your adoption experience can be difficult. Will they judge? Will they understand who I am better? Will they thing less of me? Or more? Will it matter? Are all questions that race my mind. At a certain point you either have to tell or you are pretty much living a lie. I often find myself running away from the situation because I am scared and I hate the feeling I get that I am lying.
This is a constant struggle as I continue to move on in life and changes occur, I am bound to meet new people.
Sometimes I wish every believed adoption was such a great thing then I wouldn't be so scared to share my story. But then what would I be good for? I am here to educate and inform and I can't do it if everyone already has a testimony of adoption.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
The other day I made a comment about how I don't have a mom. And in some ways that is correct because I do not have a mom here raising me, I was incorrect because I do have a mom who gave birth to me, raised me for four years and is now watching over me. I think sometimes I forget that all though this as has been a constant struggle in my life that I have also been blessed for enduring it. I also feel like I often over look the life lessons I have been taught and the raising my siblings step up and did for me. For it was them who have also had my back from day one.
Daryl taught me to shuffle cards.. or he at least tried to. We hung out and had sleepovers after he moved out. He painted me a picture of the two of us that hangs above my bed.
Ryan took care of me in a lot of way how my mom might have. He picked me up from daycare daily and we would hang out just the two of us before anyone else made it home. He taught me how to care, and how to love.
Kristin taught me how to feel. To allow my emotions to show when needed and that's it's ok to cry and let it all out.
Andy taught me how to ride a bike. He let me hang out with his friends while he had parties when I was just so young. I always felt special and loved.
Katelyn taught me how to push through my trials and that I can conquer anything life throws at me. How to be head strong and never settle.
So maybe I haven't had the opportunity to be "raised" by my mom. But being "raised" by my siblings has taught me things from different personalities and views that I might not have been blessed with otherwise. So while I can be sad, I am choosing to be happy and appreciate the love and guidance my siblings have blessed me with.