Friends

(Buddies, March 2010)

A few weeks ago I saw sweet Lily. As she walked near me I held out my arms and she came to give me a hug. What a sweet moment I have replayed several times since. Looking at this picture from that day I think of how we are friends, and how I love being friends. When I was pregnant I often called her my little buddy. 16 months later she still is my little buddy. Oh how I love visits with her, her lovely siblings, and awesome parents. Open adoption is amazing.

Try Being Me

Thoughts, emotions, they tear me apart.
People talking like this just hurts my heart.
How could they feel that way?
Why am I judged?
For I am not the best, but neither are those who walk the paths around me.
Pain, hurt, tears.
You have no idea what my life is like, don't try to judge.
Until you have been me, you would have no idea.

Feelings

"Do you have hope in yourself?"

A question that caught me off guard. I was totally called out on it.

My inability to answer said it all.

Maybe I can't see myself in a good light. Stuck thinking people will only see me for my mistakes. Although I know not all people see me just for my mistakes, sometimes it feels like the mistakes cover up the good I have done. Or that the good will never make up for the mistakes. I know I have done good, my life is good, I am happy, but hope in myself... I think I need to work on that.

Heaven?

I am four years old and nothing can be harder on me. If I only understand what is going on around me. I know, but in so many ways I don't understand. I keep replaying that conversation in my head. "I don't want you to die Mommy." "I don't want to die either" she says. I spend all my time with her, that's never going to change, I think. But it has changed, she can no longer take care of me. She is sick and she's changing everyday. She is no longer home, she's some where else. A hospice, whatever that is. And I can't stand to be there with the scary nurses, so I spend my time out on the play ground, swinging by myself. She's dead they tell me, but I still don't understand. It's her funeral and I have a question, "So is this heaven Andy?".

Jello Belly

We are shopping for swim suits in Dillards. "Nothing fits me right, too fat for two pieces and too tall for one pieces" I said. "You just have the jello baby belly, we all get them. You just have to work to get rid of that." "It's true, I know, I just hate it."

Striken

My freedom was striken
He was controlling me
I tried to tell him
I felt like a prisoner
But he
He wouldn't listen
It was my decision
Not his
But for a long time
It never felt like mine
Till that day
The day it all came to play
For then I no longer felt
Felt as if my freedom was striken
For I was the one that acted

I'm Coming Home

Over the next few days I will focus on the past. I have set up blog posts each day of journal entries from back a few years ago up to now. I have chosen to share a part of me with you.


I'm coming home, I promise
This really isn't me
I know
I've lost myself somewhere
Somewhere along the road
I miss being happy, I miss being me
My family is waiting,
Waiting for things to change
I'm not sure how I lost myself,
I'm not sure where the road is
But I am wanting to go home
I am feeling so lost,
so sad and lonely
Why have things changed?
Today starts a new beginning
I promise
I'm starting the road home
I just have to find it
I am changing
I am going to be the real me
Don't worry,
I'll be home soon