72 hour waiting period

I remember the day before I placed.
I went to get my hair done for pictures the next day.
My dad offered to watch Lily while I went to the salon.
I didn't want to leave her.
I felt like those were going to be two hours I would never get back.
I watched the clock intently while I got my hair done.
I wanted to go home as fast as I could.
My arms wanted to hold that sweet baby girl for as long as I could.
I went home with wet, freshly dyed hair.
I couldn't wait any longer, not even for her to dry my hair.

In one of meetings with my caseworker we talked about the 72 hour waiting period before I could sign.
I could sign temporary foster care over to her parents, spend a few days in a hotel, or go home for the remainder of the time before the 72 hours passed.
There were a lot of reasons why I chose to take her home. But a few that stood out the most are

1. I wanted to spend time with her, in comfortable settings. Hospitals remind me of sickly people; of my mom. Hospitals make me uncomfortable.
2. I couldn't bare the thought of signing papers on two separate occasions. I knew the Lord could help me sign once, but twice sounded unbearable. I knew my limits, and I knew twice would not happen. (even if once was foster care, and once was adoption papers)
3. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. To build up strength to overcome the battle I was facing, the battle I will continue to face.  She was my little buddy, she strengthened me when I was pregnant and I felt like I couldn't go on, and she gave me strength to place. The Lord knew how to comfort me, he knew I would find comfort in her.
4. Simply, I needed it for me.

Those few days were some of the best days. Days that reminded me what I needed to do, what I chose to do. The gave me strength to continue on the journey. They comforted me, and allowed me to see that all would be well.

I have grown.

"you.. just have a lot of baggage."

As these words were said to me, I could feel the pain. It hurt because I knew what he was talking about. He was talking about an experience that has made me who I am, made me a better person. As I look back on this summer of dating, and now ending a relationship I have realized that only that comment could have hurt me so badly. Something I hold so highly was referred to so lowly. It took a shot a who I am today. However now I have the choice to continue to allow it to bring me down, or simply just let go and forgive. I am working on the latter. 

"It takes a lot of work to forgive someone who has hurt you"

As a birth mom I know that there will always be people who can't accept it, who judge, or who just can't handle it. They haven't been taught. If nothing else I hope to teach others about the miracle of adoption. How it has made me who I am. That although I have made mistakes in my past, those mistakes don't define who I am today. Because I am a far better person than I was 2 1/2 years ago. I have grown.

Group

As I sat in birth parent group last night a few things were on my mind.

1. As a birth mom I am different, I can't explain it. But I feel it in the sense that those around me don't see life the same way I do. Going to the bottom, and crawling your way back up from darkness with help from the Lord makes it this way. You learn that through the Lord you can make it through whatever, it may be hard, but in the end you'll see the blessings. I am so very blessed to be a birth mom.

2.  It takes a very special person to love, and understand a birth mom. As I said birth moms in general are special people, I would know, I have had the pleasure of friending many in just the past two years. Not every guy will understand a birth mom, just any guy can't be okay with dating a birth mom. But that's okay because birth moms deserve a person who can love them for them, just the way they are.

3. You can't come out this experience unchanged.

My escape each week is birth parent group. I go to learn, I go to love, I go to share, and I go to grow as a person. It keeps me going.