7/15/2011

I've debated posting this, as I have chosen to continue to cheer for now. But I'm still having a hard time with whether or not it's the right decision for me...


The last week has been hard. As I have been faced with a big decision in my life at this time.

I am no longer sure that participating in cheer will be the path I take next season. And that's hard for me.

As I sat crying with my best friend this week about what decision is right. I was in a lot of ways reminded of the feelings I felt 3 years ago. And I know that if I chose to no longer cheer, that I will experience a loss, and it will be hard. 

But there have been a few things I have thought about, and realized this week

1. I will be okay, if I choose to take my life in a different direction. Although I will be loosing something important in my life, I have been through far worse loss, and I can overcome anything that is thrown at me.

2. Whether I choose to end my cheer career this year, or next year eventually it's going to end. And at that time I will be taking off my training wheels in some sense. Cheer was my escape, and a huge reason why I was able to move on and handle placement. But I have also made cheer one of my main focuses, and haven't learned how to fully live since placement. I have used cheer as a way to hold back figuring out how to live my life again. 

3. What is meant to be will be. I know the right decision will come. The right decisions always come. Will it be easy? No, not at all! Either decision will have it's on obstacles and struggles for me. But will it be right?   Of course. 

I just wish I knew what the right answer was.

Breakup

Started writing 7/27/2010

(July 2008)

I remember this weekend somewhat vividly. My brother, my dad and I went up north for a day. We hiked and I was reminded of how out of shape I had become in just a few months. My relationship with my boyfriend was in shambles and had just ended within the past few days. I was still in shock. Nobody around me knew. I wasn't ready to hear their opinions.. I just wanted to spend the last bit of time with my siblings and my dad and forget about the world. I knew that the next few months would be difficult. And I was scared. I wanted things to be different, I wanted to be in a relationship, I wanted to be able to raise my child as my own, and I wanted the father to be supportive. Yet I let the relationship end. I was the one who had called him out, I was the one who threatened to walk away from the relationship if he didn't grow up, and when he told me he could no longer do this, I was the one who told him "don't do it then". I think a part of me knew that although I wanted our relationship to work, it wasn't right. And although I wanted to parent, that wasn't the right choice for me either. In some ways I think I knew what I needed to do by this time, and I knew it would be easier if I was single, and able to handle the situation alone without the constant thought that I could do it because the father and I were together. That's why I let him walk away. And to be honest I could have done it. But when I tried to imagine how parenting would go, I could never picture it. I tried to imagine many scenarios but yet nothing seemed right. After the break up I tried to imagine how I would parent. How it would be for my child to go back and forth between two parents. How I knew she would suffer going from home to home. How I knew she would suffer being raised by parents who were children themselves. And I knew that it wasn't the right decision for me to parent. It was hard decision to make, and looking back I'm not sure how I was able to do it. But I know that Heavenly Father blessed me, and I was put through situations that allowed my heart to be softened to adoption. For without these situations and experiences I am not sure if I would have. I am grateful for the decision I made to place my little girl for adoption, because she has the life I couldn't have given her at this time in my life. I am grateful that she will always know I love her, and I made this loving decision for her. Because she deserves the best this world has to offer.