Forward.

Pushing forward.. somehow?

Not sure if I am ready for school.
Sometimes I think about it, and I just want to run back to bed and hide.
It's not that I regret any decision I have made..
I just don't like other people's opinions sometimes.

It'll be a hard day for me.
The first day back.
I'll be pushing myself forward.
Somehow..
Maybe it'll be more like dragging myself.
But it's what I want.
What I need.
Facing everyone is just going to make the situation easier..
I can't run and hide.
I can't let myself.
I have gone this far...
And I intend on moving forward.

Visit

A little more than a week ago I was able to go visit Trevor, Brianne, Brennan, Bella, Claire, and Little Miss Lily.
What a happy day.
I even brought some homemade gift for the kids, but I forgot to take some pictures of them.
For Brennan, Bella, and Claire..
No sew blankets with prints I thought matched their personalities.
For Lily a little scrapbook with pictures from her first few days.

The kids made me smile, and I was happy that they allowed me to come visit.

Claire showed me how to give her baby a bath in her little sink.
Brennan insisted on me taking a picture where he is kissing Lily's feet.
And Bella posed for pictures.
=)

Broken Record Player

Have you ever felt like nobody listen's to you?
That everyone around you seems to just ignore what you have to say?

It's not that you're wrong (well maybe you are)
But everyone else has their own priorities, ways of thinking..
What might be important you, may not even occur to another.

I feel like sometimes I am not heard.
I am broken record player repeating the same thing,
but yet I am never acknowledged.

Sometimes it takes me awhile to forgive others.
Some actions effect me harder than others.
And I need my time to heal.

But I need to forgive quicker, holding it out doesn't do much. (But make it worse)

Do I ever make others seem as if they are a broken record player?
The road goes both ways, if you expect someone else to do something, you must also.
It many ways you probably do the same thing without acknowledging it.

A year ago (yesterday)

A year ago yesterday is when it all began.
Those are happy distance memories though.
The most recent ones, those are the painful ones, the ones that aren't so distant
It's weird how things change over time
And after a certain point things can either fall apart or become amazing.
You have to choose.
I am not saying my choices then were the greatest, but some how it was everything I needed.
I need the beginning, the end, and all those times I was alone.
I needed the temporary happiness, to show me what is real.
I needed the love that isn't unconditional.
I needed him to walk away, so I could make the right choice.
I needed him to leave, so I could start being who I really am.
In a lot of ways I lost myself, somewhere between the "will you go out with me" and the "i can't do this anymore"
I get angry sometimes, the angry where all I want to do is go scream and bawl my eyes out. I want to say what's on my mind.
But I don't, I know I am better than that.
I then stop and think how grateful I am that everything turned out this way.
And then I know that this struggle wasn't for us, it was for me.
Because I was ready for it, and it was my turn to grow.
For others including him, their struggles will come at a time when they needed them.
Our struggles are made just for us, just for what we can handle.
Would you ever ask to trade trials with someone else?
-I sure wouldn't

Cheer competition 12-6-08 level 4.2

Desert Showdown

One Month.

It's hard to believe that Lily is one month old. (yesterday!)

It's seems like just the other day, she went to her home, with her family.

How lucky am I to be able to keep contact with her family and receive pictures frequently.

Open adoption is such an amazing thing.

And I am grateful I am apart of it.

Nobody can ever describe the love I have for Lily.

For I gave her life.

But Mommy and Daddy, they give her everything else.

How grateful I am that Lily has her Mommy and Daddy.

They are the ones that will give her everything through out her life always.

Support, love, friendship, and even disapline.

For I am not Mom, nor will I ever be; I am Cami.

And I am grateful for being that.

Initiatives.

Tonight I am grateful for those around me who set such a great example. Today I received a nice email from a friend that goes way back. We haven't had much conversation after we had a "falling out" a few years back. Today he sent me an email an email that made me smile.

Thank you for taking the initiative when I wouldn't. I will forever be grateful.

Thought of the day - Take the initiative, even when it's hard. You will never know what can come of it if you don't step down the path.