Adoption; A Process

Sometimes I feel like the world expects me to be over the placement of my birth daughter. 

That because I feel like it was/is the best for her, and I know it is right, that it should no longer hurt, that I should just be able to continue on with life like nothing ever occurred. 

But this is NOT true. 

It will always be apart of my life.

Some days is does hurt.

Some nights I cry. 

Sometimes I just can't even make it through the day normally.

I have bad days, I have hard weeks.

And sometimes when it's really hard, the hard week may turn into a hard few weeks. 

But it is just part of the process.

And that is okay.

Adoption is NOT an event, or milestone. 

You can't just tackle it and get over it.

Instead it is a process, something continually part of your life, apart of who you are.

I never forget the events, the pain, the love, or her.

But most of the time, all of this doesn't consume all of my thoughts.

But when it does consume the majority of my thoughts, I am reminded that I don't ever want to just forget it all. 

The the events, the pain, the love, the friendships, and the miracle of her alone, are all apart of who I am.

They have also made me to who I am today.

For that I am grateful.

I am very blessed.

Adoption will always be a huge part of my life.

Somethings like this will never change.

(Picture taken National Adoption Day, November 15, 2008. Placement Day)

Connected

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet
regardless of time, place, or circumstance.

The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.

--- An ancient Chinese belief

Two

You are Two and Beautiful

I wonder how your personality will grow

I hear your laugh

I see your bright smile that goes ear to ear

I want the very best for you

You are Two and Beautiful

You are Two and Beautiful

I pretend you are my little angel

I feel deep love and appreciation for you

I touch your soft hair

I worry about what you will have to experience during your life

I cry when I miss you

You are Two and Beautiful

You are Two and Beautiful

I understand life is sometimes difficult, but you can get through anything

I say often how much I love you

I dream about you becoming an amazing young woman one day

I try to express how blessed I am to know you

I hope you always know the love I have for you

You are Two and Beautiful

Sharing

I have found through even the last few days that the more I open my mouth about my adoption experience, so do others.

-Like on Monday, when I was shopping, me and the lady working started talking about adoption. She is an Adoptive Mom. Awesome!

-Or for some reason I started talking about how I was a birth mom in one of my classes. A girl told me later she too is a birth mom. Awesome! We talked for a good 20 minutes after class.

Through this experience we all have a special bond. A bond of friendship, of love, and of mutual respect. When I meet someone else who has been blessed by the miracle of adoption too, I feel a special connection. I feel like they understand, they get me.

Share the adoption love. :)

Long Locks

As a young child my mother grew my hair long. And I remember her as being the one who cared for it. When the realization of her death came upon me I wouldn't allow anyone to touch my hair. It was my mom's job to take care of it and I wanted her to do it. After a few days my sister took control, washed my hair, and began to brush out all the knots of a 4 year old's hair had that was so long it hit my waist. I cried as she brushed it. And after wards my dad took me and I got it cut off. It was so short that I remember being told I had boy hair in day care and I was so angry. It hurt me and I often wished my mom was there to take care of my long locks. Today I keep my hair long just because it reminds me of when I was a kid and that horrible memory. And maybe in some ways in reminds me of my childhood with my mom.

9/26/10

As I walked into my old ward today I was reminded of the love that grows there.

How it always draws me back.

How I never want to leave.

I cried just a little bit being in a place that holds so much of me in it.

I felt safe.

It reminded me of how much I've grown.

And how I don't want to go back down the roads I have already traveled.

School holds it's challenges for me.

Mostly social.

I don't feel like I can relate to many of the college kids.

In reality don't want to relate to what they do.
But that's just a part of life.


Sometimes I wish life was as easy as running back to my roots.
My old ward.

72 hour waiting period

I remember the day before I placed.
I went to get my hair done for pictures the next day.
My dad offered to watch Lily while I went to the salon.
I didn't want to leave her.
I felt like those were going to be two hours I would never get back.
I watched the clock intently while I got my hair done.
I wanted to go home as fast as I could.
My arms wanted to hold that sweet baby girl for as long as I could.
I went home with wet, freshly dyed hair.
I couldn't wait any longer, not even for her to dry my hair.

In one of meetings with my caseworker we talked about the 72 hour waiting period before I could sign.
I could sign temporary foster care over to her parents, spend a few days in a hotel, or go home for the remainder of the time before the 72 hours passed.
There were a lot of reasons why I chose to take her home. But a few that stood out the most are

1. I wanted to spend time with her, in comfortable settings. Hospitals remind me of sickly people; of my mom. Hospitals make me uncomfortable.
2. I couldn't bare the thought of signing papers on two separate occasions. I knew the Lord could help me sign once, but twice sounded unbearable. I knew my limits, and I knew twice would not happen. (even if once was foster care, and once was adoption papers)
3. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. To build up strength to overcome the battle I was facing, the battle I will continue to face.  She was my little buddy, she strengthened me when I was pregnant and I felt like I couldn't go on, and she gave me strength to place. The Lord knew how to comfort me, he knew I would find comfort in her.
4. Simply, I needed it for me.

Those few days were some of the best days. Days that reminded me what I needed to do, what I chose to do. The gave me strength to continue on the journey. They comforted me, and allowed me to see that all would be well.

I have grown.

"you.. just have a lot of baggage."

As these words were said to me, I could feel the pain. It hurt because I knew what he was talking about. He was talking about an experience that has made me who I am, made me a better person. As I look back on this summer of dating, and now ending a relationship I have realized that only that comment could have hurt me so badly. Something I hold so highly was referred to so lowly. It took a shot a who I am today. However now I have the choice to continue to allow it to bring me down, or simply just let go and forgive. I am working on the latter. 

"It takes a lot of work to forgive someone who has hurt you"

As a birth mom I know that there will always be people who can't accept it, who judge, or who just can't handle it. They haven't been taught. If nothing else I hope to teach others about the miracle of adoption. How it has made me who I am. That although I have made mistakes in my past, those mistakes don't define who I am today. Because I am a far better person than I was 2 1/2 years ago. I have grown.

Group

As I sat in birth parent group last night a few things were on my mind.

1. As a birth mom I am different, I can't explain it. But I feel it in the sense that those around me don't see life the same way I do. Going to the bottom, and crawling your way back up from darkness with help from the Lord makes it this way. You learn that through the Lord you can make it through whatever, it may be hard, but in the end you'll see the blessings. I am so very blessed to be a birth mom.

2.  It takes a very special person to love, and understand a birth mom. As I said birth moms in general are special people, I would know, I have had the pleasure of friending many in just the past two years. Not every guy will understand a birth mom, just any guy can't be okay with dating a birth mom. But that's okay because birth moms deserve a person who can love them for them, just the way they are.

3. You can't come out this experience unchanged.

My escape each week is birth parent group. I go to learn, I go to love, I go to share, and I go to grow as a person. It keeps me going.

Unconditional Love

Do you understand my thoughts and fears

Do you see that I'm not as strong as I appear

Life has often hit with with a bat

I have even fallen numerous times hard on the mat

But thorough my experiences I have grown

Learned that I can always come crawling home

Straight down on my knees

I plead to be free

My trials and struggles seem to disappear

Along with all my hidden fears

He lifts me up when I am weak

And reminds me to always be meek

Unconditional love is what he brings

Reminding me life is about the simple little things

Get it out

I want it out. I want them to know, I feel so hidden and it hurts. Sometimes in life I find that deciding when and where to tell someone about your adoption experience can be difficult. Will they judge? Will they understand who I am better? Will they thing less of me? Or more? Will it matter? Are all questions that race my mind. At a certain point you either have to tell or you are pretty much living a lie. I often find myself running away from the situation because I am scared and I hate the feeling I get that I am lying.
This is a constant struggle as I continue to move on in life and changes occur, I am bound to meet new people.

Sometimes I wish every believed adoption was such a great thing then I wouldn't be so scared to share my story. But then what would I be good for? I am here to educate and inform and I can't do it if everyone already has a testimony of adoption.

Being Raised

The other day I made a comment about how I don't have a mom. And in some ways that is correct because I do not have a mom here raising me, I was incorrect because I do have a mom who gave birth to me, raised me for four years and is now watching over me. I think sometimes I forget that all though this as has been a constant struggle in my life that I have also been blessed for enduring it. I also feel like I often over look the life lessons I have been taught and the raising my siblings step up and did for me. For it was them who have also had my back from day one.

Daryl taught me to shuffle cards.. or he at least tried to. We hung out and had sleepovers after he moved out. He painted me a picture of the two of us that hangs above my bed.
Ryan took care of me in a lot of way how my mom might have. He picked me up from daycare daily and we would hang out just the two of us before anyone else made it home. He taught me how to care, and how to love.
Kristin taught me how to feel. To allow my emotions to show when needed and that's it's ok to cry and let it all out.
Andy taught me how to ride a bike. He let me hang out with his friends while he had parties when I was just so young. I always felt special and loved.
Katelyn taught me how to push through my trials and that I can conquer anything life throws at me. How to be head strong and never settle.

So maybe I haven't had the opportunity to be "raised" by my mom. But being "raised" by my siblings has taught me things from different personalities and views that I might not have been blessed with otherwise. So while I can be sad, I am choosing to be happy and appreciate the love and guidance my siblings have blessed me with.

Anything is Possible

"If you hear a voice within you say, "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." -Vincent Van Gogh

Unknown Territory

"You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you." -Harold B. Lee

Often times in my life I am scared to take the next step, or take a chance. I want to see the ending before the beginning. I want to know all will be fine in the end; that it is worth my time. Life isn't quite like that though. You have to take chances and learn from mistakes. It's having faith that gets you the first few steps into the darkness, after that you must have perseverance. It's easy to give up or run away when life gets scary and you are unsure. But to grow you must continue on the journey. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of all that I have conquered. I mean I can do anything, if I just believe I can.

Friends

(Buddies, March 2010)

A few weeks ago I saw sweet Lily. As she walked near me I held out my arms and she came to give me a hug. What a sweet moment I have replayed several times since. Looking at this picture from that day I think of how we are friends, and how I love being friends. When I was pregnant I often called her my little buddy. 16 months later she still is my little buddy. Oh how I love visits with her, her lovely siblings, and awesome parents. Open adoption is amazing.

Try Being Me

Thoughts, emotions, they tear me apart.
People talking like this just hurts my heart.
How could they feel that way?
Why am I judged?
For I am not the best, but neither are those who walk the paths around me.
Pain, hurt, tears.
You have no idea what my life is like, don't try to judge.
Until you have been me, you would have no idea.

Feelings

"Do you have hope in yourself?"

A question that caught me off guard. I was totally called out on it.

My inability to answer said it all.

Maybe I can't see myself in a good light. Stuck thinking people will only see me for my mistakes. Although I know not all people see me just for my mistakes, sometimes it feels like the mistakes cover up the good I have done. Or that the good will never make up for the mistakes. I know I have done good, my life is good, I am happy, but hope in myself... I think I need to work on that.

Heaven?

I am four years old and nothing can be harder on me. If I only understand what is going on around me. I know, but in so many ways I don't understand. I keep replaying that conversation in my head. "I don't want you to die Mommy." "I don't want to die either" she says. I spend all my time with her, that's never going to change, I think. But it has changed, she can no longer take care of me. She is sick and she's changing everyday. She is no longer home, she's some where else. A hospice, whatever that is. And I can't stand to be there with the scary nurses, so I spend my time out on the play ground, swinging by myself. She's dead they tell me, but I still don't understand. It's her funeral and I have a question, "So is this heaven Andy?".

Jello Belly

We are shopping for swim suits in Dillards. "Nothing fits me right, too fat for two pieces and too tall for one pieces" I said. "You just have the jello baby belly, we all get them. You just have to work to get rid of that." "It's true, I know, I just hate it."

Striken

My freedom was striken
He was controlling me
I tried to tell him
I felt like a prisoner
But he
He wouldn't listen
It was my decision
Not his
But for a long time
It never felt like mine
Till that day
The day it all came to play
For then I no longer felt
Felt as if my freedom was striken
For I was the one that acted

I'm Coming Home

Over the next few days I will focus on the past. I have set up blog posts each day of journal entries from back a few years ago up to now. I have chosen to share a part of me with you.


I'm coming home, I promise
This really isn't me
I know
I've lost myself somewhere
Somewhere along the road
I miss being happy, I miss being me
My family is waiting,
Waiting for things to change
I'm not sure how I lost myself,
I'm not sure where the road is
But I am wanting to go home
I am feeling so lost,
so sad and lonely
Why have things changed?
Today starts a new beginning
I promise
I'm starting the road home
I just have to find it
I am changing
I am going to be the real me
Don't worry,
I'll be home soon

A Yearning To Be Free

How to you tell someone you know about your adoption experience?

I have found that when I choose to not tell someone off the bat, it gets harder and harder to tell them. Sometimes I feel like I am living a lie. That I am hiding a big part of who I am.

Deep down it's not that I am embaressed about it, but scared what their reaction will be. Will they say the wrong thing? Will they judge me because I made a mistake and got pregnant? Will they understand my choice? Will I forever be know as the girl who had a baby at fifteen?

I think sometimes we all have our secrets, things we can't find a way to tell someone. As time goes on it gets easier to not tell them; We rationalize it.

Sometimes I wish I saw myself in a better light. That I embraced every opportunity to tell someone about adoption, and how much it has blessed my life. For I just yearn to be free.

Public Speaking

Someone told me today that I was a good public speaker.
I laugh because public speaking was never my thing.

I used to do anything to get out of it in school, or church.
A few run ins with people judging me sent me to tears.
So I never wanted to do it again.

But speaking about adoption is different.
I still get nervous, and I sometimes loose my words.
I am not ever perfect; I sometimes forget what I was trying to say, or get embaressed.
I some how get the confidence to speak about it though.

At the end of speaking about adoption I feel good.
It's like an emotional cleanse, or that feeling like you know you are supposed to be doing what you just did.
Maybe that's just it.

Getting through

"The best way out is always through" -Robert Frost

Things will ease up soon, I keep telling myself. I can make it through.

Many Dreams

I have dreams of

landing my back-hand-spring,

meeting the perfect guy,

loosing myself head over heels,

graduating,

having my own children,

helping others,

teaching others about adoption,

growing up,

understanding life,

making it to heaven,

enjoying life,

cheering my heart out,

 making a difference,

and trusting people.

My life consists of many dreams and if I apply myself I can accomplish all that I have set out to do.