August 5, 2008

standing around

waiting for what comes next.
cause i sure don't know whats next
but that's life you got to be ready
for anything.
and some how knowing that you can
get through it you push yourself
to what you can be.
loving yourself even when
it seems like nobody else does
that only you have your back
we all have those times in our life
when we would rather not get out of bed.
that laying there curled up in a ball crying your
eyes out is all you can do
you push your self one step further
cause you know you are better than that
that even if the cards you got played
are nothing more than some crappy hand
that you can win with it
because you have that strength
the strength you built over the
long hard years.
you enjoy life and deal with situations
you think you can never bring yourself
up out of.
but there is a sunny side of the situation
you have to push yourself through the
hard pouring rain,, the storm that never seems
to end
and that flood that is built up around you
just waiting to swallow you up if you'll let it
but don't you're stronger than that
you got the sun shining through your smile
and it'll dry that flood up
your laughter brings the rays
and someday
it'll be bright and sunny again
only if you make it that way

.

11/07/2011: Failure

 I wrote this long post on Halloween, the Monday after a terrible weekend. However, I chose not post it. I thought to myself "maybe I'll reread it, edit it, and maybe post it". However for the past week it has sat in my unpublished posts. And then today I decided I wasn't at all going to post it. I wrote it because I felt like I needed to explain what went through my mind, or explain how I could in my mind fail so badly.
But then I realized I am allowed to fail. I am allowed to brake down. I am allowed to feel what I really feel. I don't always have to put on a front, feel bad about not being able to control myself, or even require that I control myself at all times. I just need to do the best I can do, and not expect anything more than I am capable of giving.
Life is too short to be caught up on one failure. Or to let one failure define you.
Sometimes in failure you learn the most, or you teach others the most. I think I needed to fail that weekend, not only to teach myself that I do have limits, and sometimes I can't fulfill everything; but that

T r i a l s are life's lessons.

Sometimes I feel as if everything hits me at once. 

I remember weeks ago thinking about trials, and how I always come out of them a stronger person. And how I know of people who pray for trials. But I thought to myself, I couldn't do that. I personally don't think I would want to ask for trials... that's just asking for trouble.

However even without asking, I still receive little trials.

And it true Cami trial fashion, there are always multiple trials at once.

This week my phone got taken from my cheer gym by one of my own teammates. It ended up in the road not too far from my gym. Another teammate's mom almost ran it over and brought it back to the gym. However it was ruined, and I was clearly upset. I thought about why someone would do this, I thought who would do it. It hurt to think one of my own teammates would hate me so much that they felt the needs to take my personal property and ruin it. It angers me. A visit to my phone company and $50 later, I was able to get a replacement phone. But oh how I wish I could tell a few people off on my team, or hurt them back. But I know all they want is a reaction out of me, and you better believe I won't give them the one they want. 

I'm so over young teenagers, and can't wait to be done with cheering. As much as I love stunting, tumbling, and competing, when things such as this happen I question why I still continue to put myself through all the drama. 7 more months until this chapter of my life that I've loved so much will be over. Although it will hurt, and I'm sure I'll go through a little crisis trying to discover what my life will be like now, I know it's time to walk away.

I'm sick. So sick in fact I took the last two days off of both school and work, and just slept every moment I could. I sat three hours in urgent care yesterday morning to find out I have Bronchitis, Tracheitis, and Laryngitis. I'm tired, and sickly. But actually pretty grateful for being sick. It has given me some much needed sleep and relaxation time. Time I probably won't see again till after Christmas, and then once again in spring break, followed by nothing til summer. Ahh.

I'm not so sure I'll pass all my classes with good grades this semester. I'm actually pretty certain I won't. I'm hoping to at least pass and keep my scholarship. But only time with tell..

Ready For Change

I've never once struggled in school as much as I am now. It's not so much that I'm not smart, because I know I am. But it more has to do with my professors. This semester I have clashed with every single one of my professors that I have in person. I have to force myself to get up in the morning and go to school, even though I feel like class is a waste of my time. I'm always tired, I'm always worn thin, and I'm always frustrated.

So ready for this semester to be over. So ready for change.

Dating?

Tonight my coach told me she couldn't keep track of the men in my life. 

I laughed, and told her there are no men in my life right now.

But I knew what she was talking about.

Within the last year I've sorta, kinda, "hung out" with quiet a few guys.

But to be honest, I never keep them around for long.

Not because I don't want a boyfriend.. because I certainly would like that.

But because they aren't worth my time, and I tend to realize that quiet quickly.

I don't think I will have a boyfriend again, unless I see REAL potential in the guy.

Because quiet frankly, my time, and emotions are better spent on other things..

Like School, Work, Cheer, Friends, Family, and Adoption Advocating.

Life is good.

Christmas 1995

Today I found a holiday letter my mom wrote about 18 months prior to her death. Here's what she wrote about me..

"Cambria (Cami) is the youngest. She is 2 and will be 3 in January. She is a sweet girl. Always has a smile for everyone. Everyone wants to know if she ever stops smiling. She keeps Mom busy all day while everyone is at school. We all have fun with her."

I loved reading this. I think my Mom won't be surprised that I am the same today. Love her and miss her.

Listening

Last week I was having a hard week. I felt pulled in every direction.

I listened to a professor, lecture me, tell me how I should be placing school in front of everything else in my life. I wanted to argue to tell him how dare he make generalizations about me, and my life. How dare he think that i don't make school a priority, when I graduated school a year early with honors after facing an unplanned pregnancy. Or how I balanced school, work, and cheer last year and I still had a 4.0. There was so much I wanted to tell him, as he went on and on at me. But I didn't. And that's a lot for me.

For a long time I've been the girl who will argue her point to the end. I haven't let one guy treat me wrong, without me standing up for myself in a long time. I am blunt, I am argumentative, and I speak my mind. A lot! I don't let people disrespect me. It's just not in me.

But lately I've found myself just sitting back and listening. If one person really feels the need to say something to me I just listen. I don't argue, or agree, I just listen. Sometimes it's just worth the fight. They may not know or situation, want know, or could even understand. Let them judge you, let them think what they want, because in the end you know what you am doing. 

In the end I know I am doing my best. Even if all I do is get out of bed some days, as long as it's my best, that's all that matters. 

Sometimes it just hurts.

Sometimes I wish I was good enough.

Good enough to be respected, good enough to be praised, good enough to feel like someone always has my back, good enough to feel like who I am, what I offer, and my life is good enough.

But often times I feel like who am I, what I offer, my life, my choices, everything about me, is never  GOOD enough.

I can never be good enough for some people in my life.

I can never be offered any thing.

I am often expected to do it myself, or on my own, when I watch others be handed everything, or when I see others who are at least offered help.

However, when I ask for help, I am denied. I am treated like what I just asked for was a horrible thing.

It bothers me to live my life like this.

I want positive in my life, but so often I am only given negative.

It hurts.

It hurts to be told that I need to move on with my life.

It hurts to be told that I am supposedly stuck in the same spot as I was 3 years ago.

It hurts be told I need to quit the one activity I love.

It hurts to not even have my dad bother to show up to a cheer competition.

It hurts to not be understood.

It hurts to be struggling, and nobody notice, nobody care.

It hurts for someone to tell you how amazing you are, only then act like you don't exist.

It hurts to watch my best friend leave to college, and wish that there was some way to make him stay.

It hurts not to feel loved, by those who should love me unconditionally.

It hurts to not be supported, by those who should support me nonstop.

It hurts to miss the one person I love so much.

Sometimes it just hurts.

7/15/2011

I've debated posting this, as I have chosen to continue to cheer for now. But I'm still having a hard time with whether or not it's the right decision for me...


The last week has been hard. As I have been faced with a big decision in my life at this time.

I am no longer sure that participating in cheer will be the path I take next season. And that's hard for me.

As I sat crying with my best friend this week about what decision is right. I was in a lot of ways reminded of the feelings I felt 3 years ago. And I know that if I chose to no longer cheer, that I will experience a loss, and it will be hard. 

But there have been a few things I have thought about, and realized this week

1. I will be okay, if I choose to take my life in a different direction. Although I will be loosing something important in my life, I have been through far worse loss, and I can overcome anything that is thrown at me.

2. Whether I choose to end my cheer career this year, or next year eventually it's going to end. And at that time I will be taking off my training wheels in some sense. Cheer was my escape, and a huge reason why I was able to move on and handle placement. But I have also made cheer one of my main focuses, and haven't learned how to fully live since placement. I have used cheer as a way to hold back figuring out how to live my life again. 

3. What is meant to be will be. I know the right decision will come. The right decisions always come. Will it be easy? No, not at all! Either decision will have it's on obstacles and struggles for me. But will it be right?   Of course. 

I just wish I knew what the right answer was.

Breakup

Started writing 7/27/2010

(July 2008)

I remember this weekend somewhat vividly. My brother, my dad and I went up north for a day. We hiked and I was reminded of how out of shape I had become in just a few months. My relationship with my boyfriend was in shambles and had just ended within the past few days. I was still in shock. Nobody around me knew. I wasn't ready to hear their opinions.. I just wanted to spend the last bit of time with my siblings and my dad and forget about the world. I knew that the next few months would be difficult. And I was scared. I wanted things to be different, I wanted to be in a relationship, I wanted to be able to raise my child as my own, and I wanted the father to be supportive. Yet I let the relationship end. I was the one who had called him out, I was the one who threatened to walk away from the relationship if he didn't grow up, and when he told me he could no longer do this, I was the one who told him "don't do it then". I think a part of me knew that although I wanted our relationship to work, it wasn't right. And although I wanted to parent, that wasn't the right choice for me either. In some ways I think I knew what I needed to do by this time, and I knew it would be easier if I was single, and able to handle the situation alone without the constant thought that I could do it because the father and I were together. That's why I let him walk away. And to be honest I could have done it. But when I tried to imagine how parenting would go, I could never picture it. I tried to imagine many scenarios but yet nothing seemed right. After the break up I tried to imagine how I would parent. How it would be for my child to go back and forth between two parents. How I knew she would suffer going from home to home. How I knew she would suffer being raised by parents who were children themselves. And I knew that it wasn't the right decision for me to parent. It was hard decision to make, and looking back I'm not sure how I was able to do it. But I know that Heavenly Father blessed me, and I was put through situations that allowed my heart to be softened to adoption. For without these situations and experiences I am not sure if I would have. I am grateful for the decision I made to place my little girl for adoption, because she has the life I couldn't have given her at this time in my life. I am grateful that she will always know I love her, and I made this loving decision for her. Because she deserves the best this world has to offer.

Courage to never give up

"Success is not final.

Failure is not fatal;

It is the Courage to continue that Counts..."

~Winston Churchill

It's easy to frown after a bad practice, where I get hit in the face, my stunts all fall, people are in my way and I miss my next part, I come home with a hurt back, and bruises everywhere.

It's easy to be upset when boys hurt me, when they don't understand me, when they can't accept who I am.

It's easy to be upset when people who were once your friends, no longer make an effort.

It's easy to be upset when life seems tough.

Sometimes the courage to continue on is what constitutes success. Never giving up hope, never backing down, but continuing forward with all your might, all your strength.

It is easy to back down, and give up.

But strength and success rely on you being strong when all is against you.

My baby team of 10 that beat out teams more than double our size this past weekend in Vegas after a girl quit the week of the competition. We pulled together found a replacement, and went on to win 1st and highest point of all levels 3-5. So proud of Dynamics. Success is never giving up, but having the courage to push forward. Quality not quantity.

Fresh; Brand New

Every time a new birthmom places I ache. I've been there before and I know how it feels.
I want to tell them it'll be ok. That life can and will go on, and you can be happy again.

But I remember driving away after placing my sweet little girl, and bawling. At that moment I didn't feel any hope, I didn't see life at the end of the tunnel. I only felt the ache in my heart, the thought of "how will life continue?". I was fragile, very fragile for a long time. But things change. Maybe it was the 6 months or so later that I didn't feel the need to know everything that was going on in her life. Or that I felt  comfortable just talking to them here and there. But things change. One day you wake up and realize that you can move on. Fully? no way. She will always be a part of my life, and the decisions I make. And I never forget. But things get easier. Maybe it's when you get more comfortable in your decision, and in your life after placement. It doesn't hurt anymore. People's comments don't take as big of a slice at your heart. It's different for everyone.

But every time I a new birthmom arises I think of her strength, and know she can accomplish anything in her life. For I know the heartache, the pain, but I also know the strength it takes to place. You can not come out of that unchanged. I am forever changed for the better.

Opposition

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." - 2 Nephi 2:11

In my life I feel like every time something good happens I need to be ready, because right behind the rainbow, the storm returns.

Best Friends

Sometimes the best medicine is a night out with your best friend. Last weekend I spent the night drinking cherry vanilla coke, eating tater tots, and driving around with my best friend. Spending time with him is always the best because it's so low key, and simple.
He's known me since my early teens, and has been there with me through thick and thin. I remember being pregnant and our nights out to sonic to catch up on life. He was always there to lend a listening ear and to show he cared. I remember right after placing Lily he would come over and we would go out. I would ball my eyes out about all the hard things I was facing and he would always be there.
We have gone through rough patches in our friendship, but one thing is always certain, when we need someone the other is always there for them.
When he left for college in the fall I was happy, and sad. Happy for him, but sad because I was going to miss him. I cried on my drive home after saying goodbye. The future scared me, and I was sad that he wasn't going to be just a drive up the road to see when I needed some support. Luckily he's just a phone call or text away.
It still hurts after each visit when it's time to say goodbye. I still miss my best friend. But summer is fast approaching, which means no school, and he's back.
Summer, come fast, I miss my best friend already.

Afraid of Changing

"Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you" ~Dixie Chicks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sp1fKoMOV74

I know I have another year, but since this year has gone by so fast, I am scared that so will next year. "What's next?", I have asked myself constantly the last few weeks. To be honest I wish I knew..

Balancing; A Part of Life

For a long time I have felt that there requires a balance in all things.
For a blessing to come, there requires a trial.
As well as after a trial, comes a blessing.
While I don't completely understand why this is, in some ways I am grateful for it.
It reminds me to be thankful of my blessings.
It reminds me to enjoy the happiness.

I believe it is impossible to understand how it feels to place your birth child in to the arms of another family for eternity, unless you have experienced it. Even when you know it's right, it still hurts sometimes.

But lately is has hurt when others have tried to tell me how is should be. Others who have not experienced this, and can not fully comprehend.
It hurts when those who once were supporting me, now seem to be out to put me down.

But along with this trial, comes a blessing. A blessing of being apart of a group of special people. There is a connection between people who fully understand, and have been blessed through adoption, no matter the circumstance. And I am blessed to know, and love people like this who help me through my trials.

My trial maybe others who put me down, but oh how am I richly blessed by the Lord to know so many amazing people.

A reminder that there is always a blessing to be found, if my eyes, and heart are open.