Forward.

Pushing forward.. somehow?

Not sure if I am ready for school.
Sometimes I think about it, and I just want to run back to bed and hide.
It's not that I regret any decision I have made..
I just don't like other people's opinions sometimes.

It'll be a hard day for me.
The first day back.
I'll be pushing myself forward.
Somehow..
Maybe it'll be more like dragging myself.
But it's what I want.
What I need.
Facing everyone is just going to make the situation easier..
I can't run and hide.
I can't let myself.
I have gone this far...
And I intend on moving forward.

Visit

A little more than a week ago I was able to go visit Trevor, Brianne, Brennan, Bella, Claire, and Little Miss Lily.
What a happy day.
I even brought some homemade gift for the kids, but I forgot to take some pictures of them.
For Brennan, Bella, and Claire..
No sew blankets with prints I thought matched their personalities.
For Lily a little scrapbook with pictures from her first few days.

The kids made me smile, and I was happy that they allowed me to come visit.

Claire showed me how to give her baby a bath in her little sink.
Brennan insisted on me taking a picture where he is kissing Lily's feet.
And Bella posed for pictures.
=)

Broken Record Player

Have you ever felt like nobody listen's to you?
That everyone around you seems to just ignore what you have to say?

It's not that you're wrong (well maybe you are)
But everyone else has their own priorities, ways of thinking..
What might be important you, may not even occur to another.

I feel like sometimes I am not heard.
I am broken record player repeating the same thing,
but yet I am never acknowledged.

Sometimes it takes me awhile to forgive others.
Some actions effect me harder than others.
And I need my time to heal.

But I need to forgive quicker, holding it out doesn't do much. (But make it worse)

Do I ever make others seem as if they are a broken record player?
The road goes both ways, if you expect someone else to do something, you must also.
It many ways you probably do the same thing without acknowledging it.

A year ago (yesterday)

A year ago yesterday is when it all began.
Those are happy distance memories though.
The most recent ones, those are the painful ones, the ones that aren't so distant
It's weird how things change over time
And after a certain point things can either fall apart or become amazing.
You have to choose.
I am not saying my choices then were the greatest, but some how it was everything I needed.
I need the beginning, the end, and all those times I was alone.
I needed the temporary happiness, to show me what is real.
I needed the love that isn't unconditional.
I needed him to walk away, so I could make the right choice.
I needed him to leave, so I could start being who I really am.
In a lot of ways I lost myself, somewhere between the "will you go out with me" and the "i can't do this anymore"
I get angry sometimes, the angry where all I want to do is go scream and bawl my eyes out. I want to say what's on my mind.
But I don't, I know I am better than that.
I then stop and think how grateful I am that everything turned out this way.
And then I know that this struggle wasn't for us, it was for me.
Because I was ready for it, and it was my turn to grow.
For others including him, their struggles will come at a time when they needed them.
Our struggles are made just for us, just for what we can handle.
Would you ever ask to trade trials with someone else?
-I sure wouldn't

Cheer competition 12-6-08 level 4.2

Desert Showdown

One Month.

It's hard to believe that Lily is one month old. (yesterday!)

It's seems like just the other day, she went to her home, with her family.

How lucky am I to be able to keep contact with her family and receive pictures frequently.

Open adoption is such an amazing thing.

And I am grateful I am apart of it.

Nobody can ever describe the love I have for Lily.

For I gave her life.

But Mommy and Daddy, they give her everything else.

How grateful I am that Lily has her Mommy and Daddy.

They are the ones that will give her everything through out her life always.

Support, love, friendship, and even disapline.

For I am not Mom, nor will I ever be; I am Cami.

And I am grateful for being that.

Initiatives.

Tonight I am grateful for those around me who set such a great example. Today I received a nice email from a friend that goes way back. We haven't had much conversation after we had a "falling out" a few years back. Today he sent me an email an email that made me smile.

Thank you for taking the initiative when I wouldn't. I will forever be grateful.

Thought of the day - Take the initiative, even when it's hard. You will never know what can come of it if you don't step down the path.

Real Choices

Article on a birth mother. Sweet little story.

http://www.technicianonline.com/news/1.405833

This Weekend

As you can see this would be stinky drinking water from his favorite place; My dad's toilet.
Gross.. but hilarious.

I spent Friday night hanging out with Wylie, playing games, and making funny pictures. As you can see we posed for pictures with silly faces. =)

Followed by:
Girl sleep over.
Cheer practice 8:30-11am
Cheer Brunch.
Doing girls hair.
In and Out stop.
Cheer competition.
Warm Ups.
Compete.
Awards.
1st place.- Didn't compete against anyone this competition... boo for no one being in level 4.2 division
Came home to dinner made by daddy. Yum! New shirt thanks Katelyn.
Talked for a little on the phone.
And out before 9.
It was a long day. Followed by a restful night in bed.
As I did not wait up for the Daddy who was out late... while I.. I slept.

Lily's Adoption Day.

Lily's adoption.
Lily was placed with her loving family on 11-15-2008. (National Adoption Day)
I had taken that day and spent it with Lily in every way possible, but more than anything I wanted to just hold her and talk to her. We planned on meeting at 4, but knowing me, when didn't leave until 4. My sisters and my Dad accompanied me, and we drove to the agency. We walked in to a room with Trevor and Brianne already patiently waiting. I held lily, finished feeding her, and signed papers all together. For me I needed to hold her to make it possible. It was a very emotional time for everyone involved. I asked to place her in her car seat and they were okay with that. I place my little now sleeping angel in her car seat in her car, with her parents. I buckled her up, and tucked a blanket around her. I kissed her tenderly maybe a billion times. I hugged Trevor and Brianne, and got in my Dad's car. My sisters sat on each side of me, held my hands as they knew it was going to be a long tough ride for me. I cried not because I was upset, not because I wasn't okay with it, I cried because I missed her. I missed the sweet angel, and I cried because I was happy; Happy for her and happy for her family. For this wasn't really goodbye, this was I'll see you soon. I did it; I did it because I love her.

Meet Wylie.

Meet Wylie. William if you must, but he doesn't like that and I agree that Wylie is what fits him.
If I couldn't call him pretty much my best friend, I wouldn't know what to call him. In more ways then anyone else that's what he is.
I met Wylie in 9th grade, believe it nor not he was in 8th. He would walk me to class and talk to me all the time, maybe it's cause he thought I was cute. He came into my life at a perfect time, I time when more than ever I needed him.
We have our memories, and could go on for hours about movies like Happy Feet, or Mr Bean's Holiday. We could tell you experiences we have had at pretty much every mall. Or the time I accompanied him to the doctor. The summer where we spent pretty much every waking moment together, swimming and playing the rolling game. My birthday party where he pushed me in the pool, mind it was January and it had rained that day. Rainy day in winter! But more than ever I could tell you about how he is always here for me, through thick and thin. How he accepts me for who I am, despite him knowing all my strengths and weaknesses. He knows me better than anyone on the block, he knows the real Cami; in his words.

The pictures above tell stories, stories I love.

One is at my birthday party after he threw me in the pool; Hence the crazy hair, and clothes. But the smile and the funny face.

And the other tells about his experiences with Lily.
He spent my labor texting me telling me I was strong, and I could do it.
He spent an evening with me at the hospital, where he sat on the bed and talked to me.
He spent a time at my house holding Lily.
And he spent the evening with me after I placed Lily.

More than anything he is here for me, as I too am here for him.

Sisters

There is something about sisterly love. It's something you can never take away from someone. Three sisters were joined together. One who once was the little sister, is now a big sister. Claire loves her little sister Lily, and I am very sure Lily loves her too.

My sisters are my bestfriends. I am grateful for them. The support they give me, and the love we have for each other. Some days it seems like they are the only thing that gets me through the day.

Bella, Claire and Lily, sisters who were joined together; together forever.

The beginning

<- 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Postdate. (11-10-08)

Being open, something I normally wouldn't do. Something I can barely doing in writing..

I can distinctly remember the instance, the day it all began.
I remember the awkward silence, and the way we couldn't even look at each other.
I remember the arguments that day brought, and going home with a sinking feeling in my gut.
I remember the pills I took the next day, the pills that made me so very sick.
I remember although it was a slim chance, it was still a chance, and that was more than I needed.
I remember the next few weeks, as I tried to push it out of my mind, and not deal with it till I knew or not. We talked about it some, but mostly avoided the subject..
A few weeks later it sunk in some more, as I new.. even without really knowing, and he knew too. He tried to deny the fact, and convince me it wasn't real, but I knew it was, I knew by the way I felt.

After I knew for sure, it was still like I didn't know. The reality of what was happening wasn't so real yet. He tried to make me feel as comfortable as he could, as I was sick. We spent most of our time together talking about what's next, as he held my weak body and I cried. He was there for me, and some how it was all going to be okay. Right?

I kept it to myself for as long as I could. Trying to deny it as long as possible. As I told my dad I remember that day, and the weeks afterwards being some of the hardest. I remember feeling as I was no longer accepted, the fact of my decisions, and the consequences hurt not just me, but everyone around me.

The reality of it hit more when I got an ultrasound.
It's a girl.
A little angel.

And then he left...

Then I could feel her kick, and move. Even more reality.

Then he waived his rights.

Reality hit.

Now I had to make a decision, a decision that was now just mine.

Even before this I knew what was right, I just wanted something different.
I was selfish.

I couldn't imagine giving my sweet little angel way.
She had helped me get through the hardest parts.

I didn't want him a part of it. The "d" word just angered me. His name came up, and I cried. I would burst into tears and little fits of anger. I was hurt, and he had moved on.

Without even ever saying that's what I chose, everyone around me knew I had.

With the decision I made, I was able to come to terms with it in my own way.
I knew what she needed, and I knew I couldn't give it to her. Some how by giving her what she deserved, I was comforted.

I searched for her family, but almost right away I had found them. They were waiting for me; they were waiting for her. It took me awhile to tell them, they were the ones, maybe I wanted more certainty. But whatever I needed they gave it to me, the certainty became more real. As I got to know them, as I read the book they suggested and I cried. They were the ones, they were chosen before, I just had to follow through.

Loosing my way.

Have you ever lost your way?

I feel in many ways I lost my way for a reason.
Although at the time I was where I wanted to be, with who I wanted to be with, and everything seemed so right.. it really wasn't.
My life needed a little disorganization.
Some trials.
And some situations where I did not want to be.
In reality I needed what I got.
A chance to grow up.
No one can ever understand my appreciation for everything.
My thankfulness that things happened the way they did.
I would never ask to go through the same experiences again, but I am grateful I went through them.
They help make who I am today.
They create certain parts of me.
They give me a reason to move forward and find what I really need in my life.
Maybe you won't ever understand the catastrophes that occurred; but the blessings that followed were well worth it.
We all go through our hard times, our times for personal growth, for uplift-ment, and a chance to put our life back on track.
We all have headed one way or another, but but the things that can seem like "catastrophes" can really be blessing in disguise, they simply can help but us where we really need to be.

My stressful life.

What my life consists on right now.

10 days to finish all my school work plus my 4 finals.

4 days till my first competition.

One 3 hour practice on Thursday.

One morning practice on Saturday before the competition.

And one day spent majority for cheer; Saturday.

If I finish school on time, compete well, and some how finish my Christmas presents as well as shopping there will be 1 or 2 weeks of pure relaxation. Amen for that!

Something I desperately need. A brake from everything right before going back to high school, going back to cheer full time, and some how fitting in everything to my cheer schedule that is packed from mid January to mid April. I'll need my family time, because I know after January 1st, our schedules just wont go well together.

Ready for all this?

Who knows.

But trying is all I can do.

And if I fall on my face, well I have friends and family here to help me.